It's been three days since he's gone. He didn't say anything, you know... He's just.... gone. Vanished.
I don't know what I did wrong. I had loved him, never so much as taking my attention away from him. I didn't realize how dependent I was to him until I lost him. Sure, it was intentional. Should I intentionally try to lose him, it would be called letting go. I never intended to let him go. It didn't occur to me how precious he was... until now.
He was reliable, really. Yes, I went for him because of his good looks, though. We met about three months ago or so. My first impression of him was not bad. Average, but he stood out from the other guys. At that time, I needed someone like him, so we chose to be together as soon as possible. It didn't take long for him to want to be with me. Even my dad approved of him. I always liked the way he sported black, my favorite color, mixed with silver and occasional bright yellow. Yellow was never my kind of spectrum, but he never wore it without my consent. That's also what I loved about him.
My parents did know the outcome of us being together. Shouldn't they? He stayed at my place since then. My place in Bandung is for girls-only, but nobody seemed to mind him being with me. He would sometimes accompany me to campus. I introduced him to some of my closest friends. They didn't say much about him, but I think they liked him. Once, I took him swimming with them. Of course I was there. It was for P.E. class grading. He helped the teacher a little bit, so I guess she didn't mind as well.
Last holiday I went home to my parents' in Balikpapan. I took him with me. My parents welcomed him warmly; even my brother, who would usually tell me that he'd scare away any boy who wants to go near me, did not loathe him. The two of them didn't bond well, but at least I could still be with him and my brother at the same time. No punches or scars I noticed, so it was a good thing. I would take him hanging out with my Balikpapan friends, or going shopping with my mom. I never liked shopping, so he was a pretty good company compared to me being taken with only mom.
I noticed how downright clingy I had been to him as I wrote this passage. I'm now asking myself one thing: how did I not get tired / bored of him? Yeah, I find it weird as well. See, he didn't talk much, dear friends. He just understood. I guess it was a crucial thing if you want things to get serious...
At first he was just a good friend to me. The desperation of having someone was the main driving point why I chose to be with him, but I didn't think I'd fall for him that fast. He liked wrapping his hand around mine and then we'd walk together, just like that. It was cheesy, and bold. That was the consequence of me having him, though, so I went along... But it felt good. Sometimes he held too tight and I had to let him go, but then I would miss having the feeling of his hands around my hand.
Right now I'm desperate. I lost him. What did I do wrong? Did he choose to leave because I tend to care more about him for me than to me being there for him? He didn't say anything, left no notes, nothing. I wanted to cry since the first night I lost him, but never such a drop of tears flow from my eyes. That night, June 26th, 2014... I thought he was just tired of me, you know, going for fresh air a bit and then coming back the morning after. But until now I never heard from him. I think he's fed up with me.
I'm so sorry if I did anything wrong. If you're reading this (although I'm quite certain you won't), please come back home. I miss you, Dan.
Love, your clingy girl.
