Bah.

It's all shit! I wanted to scream. I wanted to rip the manuscript up, but I can't. One, because it's all digital and written on word processing software. Second, there's no manuscript. Just pieces of shitty writing I compiled in one file. What the hell am I even writing about, and for whom?

I thought I'd do it just fine. What went wrong? I contemplated. I planned it all. I even wrote the outline for them all. 

It's all wrong. I should've strike while the iron was hot. The ideas were written down, but the intensity of the excitement and emotion that shrouds the entire atmosphere of the writing has died down. It's easy to remember what you wanted to write about, but it's hard to replicate the hatred, lust, sadness, or happiness that should have become the foundation of it all.

That's why Ray Bradbury told us not to think when writing. In quickness, there is truth.

Don't "jot down the ideas", unless you are really busy when the inspiration hits.

But I was just writing the outlines so I don't end up rambling! I opposed.

Yea. But just because you have a fridge, doesn't mean you can buy the veggies today and leave them out to be cooked on an indefinite future date. I did that mistake a lot, and guess what? I ended up never cooking again these days.

You and your analogies of writing... You say writing is like swimming, writing is like exploring a jungle, writing is like morning poop, and this? 

Postponing writing is like rotting your groceries in a fridge, I know it sounds stupid when you put it that way. Writing is just very multifaceted and personal to me, I see it in all my everythings.

So... What do we do now?

I guess we just write every "now", not "later"?

Whatever Floats Your Boat

I was on a drive with my boyfriend when I uttered how much I felt like a loser just because I was getting excited from taking a new route, and he said:

"Hey, it's fine. Life is about making stupid things as exciting as possible."

And he'd be right. Why should I feel bad for myself over this little thing? Since when did I accidentally invalidate my own feeling instead of embracing it? That might explain why I've been feeling like a miserable clusterfck these past days.

I have developed the habit of weaving myself a web of routine for me to stick my butt in throughout my life. I have easily left my engine running on autopilot, and sleep in the back seat. Having a routine is good and all, but when you begin asking yourself "what's the point?", you've probably outgrown the initial situation that you created the routine in.

And as an adult, I reckon that routine is hardly evitable. Still, I'm too stubborn to want to give in to the sense of boredom that could stop me from being curious or excitable. Still, also, it's difficult to maintain a sense of excitement when you're perpetually bored out of your mind, brain shutting down every now and then because there seems to be nothing new under the sun.

That's why I would quote him on that, a philosophy so silly yet so powerful. It's the little things, of course!

So what if I get a little giddy over just visiting a new supermarket, just going out for a drink in a new cafe, or listening to a new band, or just writing new posts on social media? The key is to find that stupid thing excitable.

And it's a good thing that I have someone close to remind me of how exciting the little things can be.

Spiraling Out

I took a deep dive again after a long time of hiatus. The strong smell of chlorine, saltiness of tears and steely... blood? Is that blood? It looks red, but I couldn't tell amidst all the water around me. I could feel the pressure tightening on me as I dove deeper. I tried to eyeball the depth of the pool, but the bottom pit was invisible.

Perhaps it was deeper than I remember?

It's been a while since I last went swimming. My limbs didn't work like they used to, but muscle memory kicked in one way or another. I remembered to take a long breath before diving. I remembered having to minimalize the rotation of my body. I needed this, I told myself, but I already knew the reason why I dove in the first place.

The lungs began to revolt. Air, it screamed. My legs and arms almost went numb, but at least I saw the bottom of the pool. Looks cold, desolate. Perfect.

It was only after the body began to relax itself that it started to make sense. When I was one with the water. A sense of surrender. A relief.

When my eyes fluttered closed. Black out. The words began to form itself. I was in too deep. Drowning. Floating. Whichever one was the truth, I felt both beyond my senses.

In the depth of my sorrow and self-wallow, I found the old-age demon. She's still there, looming. We almost forgot about her. And diving deep is the only way I would find her again.

---

They found me again, tearful, one hand almost reaching the box of sharp stationery, one hand hugging the speaker blasting my comfort playlist. The last thing I remember was journaling on my bed, thinking about my past and my future. I guess a certain kind of memory kicked in. Or perhaps I was intoxicated with the desire to write morbid things once again, after a while.

Why haven't you written again? She asked me. After being sane for the most part of my last few years, I outgrew the alter egos. I outran my demon. But at what cost?

The pieces have lost their edges. It's no longer jigsaw puzzles of enigma, just boring tiles of disposable pulps. The metaphors have lost their complexities. Just mere analogies as flat as pancakes under a truck. I gave in to the harsh realities, blending in with the faceless mucks. Just another replacable cog in the machine. I'm dying inside, and the antidepressants turned my brain away to the other side. See, we're being productive today. Great work!

I... I'll write again. I replied, meekly. She smiled approvingly, then disappeared.

I'm left with the messy bedroom, speaker still blasting, taken away from me. Worried faces surrounding me. I'm grateful, but at the same time, I wonder, how did I become such a mess? 

A dangerous dive, that one. Next time I won't be so careless.

Fitter. Happier. More productive.

Now that I know she's still alive, will it resurface this time?

Mancing Mania (Mantap)

   

Kurasa semua orang tahu konsep memancing. Ada yang memancing di sungai, empang, atau bahkan di laut lepas. Tongkat pancing disiapkan, benang pancing dilebarkan, dipasangi kail dan pelampung, dan umpan disisipkan di kail. Kemudian benang dipanjangkan hingga kail dan umpan jatuh di titik air yang dituju, sementara tangan memegangi tongkat pancing. Menunggu ikan memakan umpan.

Aku kira mencari kerja itu seperti memancing -- Kok nggak ada yang nyangkut?!

Nggak, kok. Maksudku sih, selagi belum ada ikan yang nyangkut, might as well enjoy yourself. Biasanya bapak-bapak memancing sambil nyebat dan minum kopi. Kalau kamu seperti aku mungkin bisa sambil dengerin lagu, atau baca buku, sambil sekali-sekali mengantisipasi gerak-gerak pelampung.

Karena kalau cuma nungguin jatuhnya malah frustasi, jengkel sendiri...

Tentu saja, probabilitas nangkap mungkin bisa diupgrade dengan mengganti joran yang lebih mutakhir, kail yang lebih bagus, atau umpan yang sesuai. Sebenarnya yang paling penting sih mungkin tahu dulu mau mancing ikan apa. Diteliti dulu biasanya ikan jenis itu sukanya umpan apa, dan bagaimana pola kegiatannya. Lalu menyesuaikan umpan dan perlengkapan serta perilaku memancing sesuai dengan ikan yang mau ditangkap.

Memang sepertinya aku tidak suka memancing.

Lulusan anyar perguruan tinggi setelah melayangkan surat riwayat hidup ke perusahaan.

(Vol. 14, 1977/#DoraemonHariIni Januari 2023) pic.twitter.com/glRY9z8Rkk

— Doraemon Hari Ini (@DoraemonHariIni) January 9, 2023

2022, Wrapped

I think I would speak for most people when I say the release of Spotify Wrapped is one of the most highly anticipated event of the year-end. Well, technically, it was released on early December (so as not to disturb Christmas holiday spirit, I guess). The interactive infographic-statistics of your 2022 music listening activities. Personalized, fun, and easily shareable to social media. 

Usually Wrapped is a hot topic a week before and after its release, early December. Social media pages are filled with people sharing their Wrapped, enhancing their self-identity in music listening, but some don't take it really seriously and turn it into memes. I'm just amused seeing it all though, silently judging my friends and acquaintances based on their music taste.

"Yeah, you do seem like someone who listens to Tulus."

or

"OMG you listen to Weezer a lot this year too? Virgin-ahh boi."

I personally consider this Wrapped moment to observe my own music listening pattern evolution, which in turn also reflects my daily lives during that year. E.g., in 2019 I started exploring a particular low-fi rock music scene which led me to a seasonal obsession to Car Seat Headrest, the Ohio-based band, and their critically acclaimed Twin Fantasy album. This year (2022) though, I mostly listened to music from artists I'm already familiar with. With extra newly developed obsession towards Bloc Party discography.

The year 2022 seemed to be the perfect comeback moment for my favorite indie rock bands that used to climb the chart ladders during my high school years. Casually dropping new bombs making it even harder to move on from my comfort zone.

The easiest example would be My Chemical Romance. Their most critically acclaimed album, The Black Parade, which lifted the emo genre to the mainstream scene, came out during my junior high school period. I remember passing around the physical copy of the CD in my class, and we even made the design of our class jacket influenced by it. Afterwards, they released another full-length LP in 2010, Danger Days, followed by five different EPs with similar theme, Conventional Weapons, in 2012, and cold-heartedly announced their split in 2013, breaking fans' hearts (including me).

All of a sudden in 2020 they announced they're banding again. As My Chemical Romance, and would begin touring. This was unacceptable, so the world closed their borders (due to Covid, but still, the re-banding was too strong they needed to be secured).

To make matters worse (or better?), with no prior announcement or marketing, they released a new single in 2022, The Foundations of Decay. An emotionally drenching track, with grungy mixing, and MCR-special lyricism that will move you into an impromptu karaoke session while bawling your eyes out. 

In the same scope of music scene, I believe Paramore was also pretty well-known. I remember listening to the Riot! album with my junior high bestie in her car sound system. Misery Business is still a solid and timeless anthem to reminisce that year period. More recent in the discography, their 2013 self-titled album Paramore was also well-received with catchy tracks such as Ain't It Fun and Still Into You. Their last full-length album, After Laughter, was released five years ago in 2017. At the end of 2022, they resurfaced with a single, This Is Why. An interesting single, because musically its approach is very contrast from the "Paramore we used to know". It was groovy, easy-listening on the surface but with many layers in-depth, and the lyrics aren't as in-your-face. To me they had move away from their "American emo rock" roots to evolve into more "British indie rock" palate.

Speaking of British indie rock, iconic bands such as Franz Ferdinand, Bloc Party, and Muse also did comeback in year 2022. I don't really realize how popular these bands might be to everyone else in their high school times. I know that Franz Ferdinand's 2004 release, Take Me Out, was pretty recognizeable. Bloc Party's Banquet released in 2005 also brought their name into indie rock chart, also being featured in SSX game. Muse is probably the most mainstream of these three, with popular tracks such as Starlight, Supermassive Black Hole (2006), and apparently Uprising (2009) (according to Spotify)? Of course, since then, they have already released newer albums and tracks, with mixed reviews.

As a comparison, Franz Ferdinand's latest full-length album, Always Ascending, was released in 2018 with mixed reception due to its musical approach being too bland. Previous Bloc Party album, Hymns, released in 2016, was also less popular because it was too "different", and I guess minimalist gospel-like approach? Muse's Simulation Theory, in 2018, was also of mixed review. Personally, I enjoy the first half of the album, but beyond that it's just unlistenable.

Early 2022, Franz Ferdinand announced their new release, Hits to the Head, which was a compilation album of their popular tracks with remastered audio. The twist? An extra new single, titled Curious. Somehow I love this track so much, even though I know it's musically not FF's best. But as per Franz Ferdinand style, it is groovy, danceable, fun, and timeless. Probably following recent music trend, it wasn't very long, but in turn it ends on a high note. Since the month of its release, I'm still not tired of the track. Sometimes I even wake up with that song playing in my head.

Regarding Bloc Party, I just recently got obsessed with them because of a certain someone. Just when I was taking my time to appreciate their entire discography, especially their debut album and the second one, they appeared with a new album, Alpha Games. This album is... rock solid (pun intended). It still got the core of indie rock, but still brings novelty to the table. The most prominent one is the drumplay. It sounds so new and refreshing, with lots of playing in the hi-hat area. They also use stereo sound mixing, that there are moments where the music ricochets gradually from right ear to left ear. The tracks are fun and good for jamming, probably a bit too fun because the lyrics are... uh? Lol. Overall, from the fifteen tracks on the (deluxe version) album I enjoy the most Rough Justice, Day Drinker, and Strut.

August 2022, after a few months of announcement and marketing, increasing fans' anticipation, Muse released a new full-length album, Will of The People. Well... how shall I comment on this album...

Personally, I feel conflicted. This album is only good (or fun?) if you don't take it seriously. Because the lyrics are so... unserious. It feels too in-your-face and doesn't even try to be clever or using metaphor one layer deeper than blatant persuasion. For some tracks, musically there's nothing new, only reuses of their old guitar riffs (Kill or Be Killed sounds like The Handler). In other tracks, they experimented too much but falling flat, such as the synth-heavy Compliance and ...Halloween. In the early release time, my boyfriend and I only listened to them to laugh at the ridiculous stance of the lyrical and musical direction. But now it kind of grows on me, although I still cannot sing all the lyrics (because it's too goofy). I can stomach Won't Stand Down, and the title track Will of The People can be listened to mindlessly to hype up.

Lastly, it's not a musical review/ramble without mentioning Radiohead. But they're not making a comeback this year. Instead, the dominant lead duo Thom and Jonny are teaming up with Tom Skinner as drummer in a new side project, The Smile. And they are the one releasing new full-length album in year 2022, titled A Light for Attracting Attention. Fifteen tracks combining jazz, grunge rock, and mellow ambient at times. Layers of solid jazzy drumworks, clean strums of nylon guitars, saxophone, and Thom special haunting vocals. (I'm not a certified musician, so I don't know how valid my descriptions are.) The Smoke is an immediate classic to me, one of my Spotify Wrapped 2022 top five. I also love The Opposite and Thin Thing. Especially for their drumming.

Right. So I think I've rambled a lot of my favorite 2022 music releases. More than I think I would.

I'm wondering if 2022 had blessed us with lots of comebacks, how will the 2023 musical landscape follow-up to this situation? Will they release singles again? Is this the moment for the comeback of a world tour? Or is this the beginning of another five-year hiatus from our favorite bands?

I don't know. Let's hope for the best. To 2023 and future great releases!

Naughtmare

What do people usually see in their nightmare? A monster? A faceless figure looming over their bed in the dark of the afterhour? A crawling woman with broken spine and mouth full of blood hounding at you at the speed of sound? Tall, black figure with nothing but a gaping mouth for face and claws for fingers, moving at the ticks of seconds while you paralyzed in endless fear and confusion?

We all have nightmares. Sometimes. I think. Most people do.

I had one. A monster. Unnamed creature. Unspoken characteristics. Nightmares are always like that, they are amalgamation of things you know and can label, but together they make up something outside the realm of familiarity. Looks like goblin, you'd say, but they're not. Looks like 'kuntilanak', you'd say, but they're not. But more than not, they all evoke similar sense of fear. Primal. Instinctive. You just want to run. Yet you can't.

I was there, in a dark room. A bed; but not a bed. Something soft that you can sit on. Is it even a room? The breeze indicated an open window, but it was too much wind to be called breeze. A scream, but there's no sound. Urge to run away, but every inch of muscle move takes eternity that expands indefinitely. My limbs were disconnected from my brain, they were their own entities now. They moved outside of my control, clenching and unclenching involuntarily.

I stared at that creature for what seems like forever. It's a she. A powerful entity, a species so ancient they roamed this Earth since the dawn of time. Yet at this moment, she is weak with her primal fear. 

I grew larger. My claws dangling from the tips of my limbs, further away from the ground. My neck -- should it be called so-- cracked back and forth, whilst our eyes -- should you call them so-- still transfixed to each other.

I was the monster. I was trapped inside this marionette of phantasm, watching everything unfolds in first-person perspective. I felt the terror filled the room. The undulating, unspoken scream filled the air. I watched this poor girl cowering in silence, wishing for this moment to end. I felt bad. I felt guilty. I, too, wanted that moment to end. The guilt, of course. I was okay with all that happening, but please spare me from the guilt. I don't want to feel like I'm the bad guy in this situation. Even after I saw paralysis took her voice away, because of my existence.

Why are we so afraid of the ugly?