A couple nights ago I had a chat with my old friend (yes I have friend), basically reminiscing about our past. We've been friends since junior high, which was like... 11 years ago? Damn time flies. But of course it does, if all you've been doing is looking back. We talked about that time in junior high school, hoo boy, classic moment of my period. I feel like it's the only time I actually live my life and make memories, not even my high school moment can compare. SO much stories.
This blog has a pretty old tag I labeled '9sbi', and that's where I write random stuff about my junior high class - 9sbi. I was in 9th grade when I started writing blog posts. I even created a blog dedicated for my class, where I would write events happening in the class, in journal-like manner. Bear in mind that I was still in 9th grade - or my 15 y.o ass - so looking back, I get serious cringe syndrome. I remember I initially wanted to make it sort of like an information center for my classmates to check on homework or event information, while also putting up magazine-like articles where I report what happened weekly (or daily? I had big dreams). It was a time of no practical chatroom apps like Whatsapp or LINE, and Facebook was just barely known, so I figured that would help.
When my friend called me that night, we decided to take another look at the blog again. Man, never have I laughed that hard in a while. The sense of familiarity and sentiments, with hints of cringe here and there, I was once again a junior high student with obsession towards Linkin Park. What really hit me was how carefree I wrote back then. I didn't worry about my classmates looking at my writing and thinking to themselves 'wtf is this guy writing'. I didn't worry about exposing my obsession towards LP. I figure it's very unprofessional and off-putting to be making references about your favorite band in a totally irrelevant article about classmeeting, but hey was I young and dumb (and happy).
Back then, I didn't think much. I didn't hold back about what I want to write. Of course, in a professional situation, that would be unlikely preferrable. I understand that there are things I need to refrain from telling, references like LP lyrics that I need to keep to myself. That old blog was definitely for internal purposes, we were all still young and got no real problems weighing us down, and everyone knew what an LP freakbug I was so I guess nobody minded.
Things change, of course. I realize how far I've become, and how much I've been holding back on my writing because I worry about what people might think of me. Maybe I'll unintentionally overshare things that are supposed to be private. Maybe writing so much about myself would make me appear narcisstic. Maybe exposing my feeling would damage my reputation. Maybe I would look obsessive talking too much about my favorite bands.
I realize how I can sometimes think too much about nothing. I get anxious thinking that somehow a future employer might stumble upon my writings and think I'm too fragile to deal with real problems. I get cold feet everytime people say they read my blog, regardless of what they think of it. I worry that I treat this blog too much like a shrink and I reveal too much of my weakness for the world to see.
For a moment, that night of reminiscent set me free. I smiled, knowing that the person who carelessly rambling about her favorite band and unprofessionally, but happily crafting her young and unwise words to shape a writing of her style, that was me. That childhood mischief was still within me, small and steady, writing away in her old axioo laptop with windows 7 installed (but that axioo laptop was already broken and windows 7 is practically non-existent so maybe she died already also but I'm trying to keep my optimistic mood here so yeah)
I plan to keep her alive. Wish me luck for a worry-less 2018 T. Thanks.
