Just a small rant, as usual. Let's talk about fear. I have an absolutely abstract, yet specific type of fear.
Time. It's time.
By now I have realized how much of a walking contradiction I am. My fear could be induced by my obsession, or the other way around. But they're both still here; in my mind. I'm both obsessed and afraid of time. Running out of time.
Everytime I wake up around the middle of the night, the first thing I do is making sure the clock still ticks. I obsess over clock ticks in that silent time of the day. I would notice how at some point the ticking sound grows louder, and it goes back to normal. At some point I would hear two sets of clock ticking; from another room, from the next room, or from the dining room outside.
I fear for that moment when the clock stops ticking; time stops while I stand still, doing things like nothing happened.
I fear for that moment when time stops, I'm the only one moving, and I have no idea why or how. It's weird, because in the back of my mind I know it would not really happen, but I'm still scared.
I would have a small heart attack if the clock stops or runs out of battery, because it's the closest I could get to that nightmare I always fear coming true.
Midnight trips to toilet are always unpleasant, because for those brief silent moment, where everyone is sleeping, you can't actually tell that time is still moving. You can't really tell whether people are actually sleeping or just... stop living. That's why, probably strangely enough, I find comfort when I encounter small bugs like ants or mosquitoes moving. They give me sense of security that time still ticks; that life goes on for them, and also for me.
It's probably also why I find comfort in being the lone figure in the crowd. I would prefer silence on my own, but I also want to make sure that time still ticks, and life still goes on for everyone else. Spending silence on my own just feels so... maddening. I feel like I'm going crazy.
But I also long for the moment when time stops for me; for my life. I'm counting my end days. I probably wish this all stops very soon.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
Tick Tock
It's Monday again. *groaning sound in the distance*
You know how people today communicate via mobile phone; we barely text or call anymore. Instead, we choose the option of instant messaging, or chat, so to speak. It's a lot cheaper, has a nice interface we can customize, and also saves you from the burden of memorizing phone numbers. The only texts I get nowadays are advertisements, promotions, and spam. So naturally, if I want to contact people, it should be through one of these messaging apps.
And the first chat that I received today, in the morning, consists of something like, "Aren't you tired?"
That was intended to response to my chat telling her that I couldn't sleep well last night. As usual. I can barely get good night sleep nowadays. I would be on the bed since 11 PM, but I toss and turn and drift off only to be awakened by this sudden jerk of muscles, which would last until 5 AM or so...
But the chat that I received, the question, feels like something a lot wholesome.
Aren't you tired?
Why are you asking the obvious. Of course I'm tired of not being able to sleep like a normal human being. Of course I'm tired of wasting 6 hours of my life trying to refresh myself, just to wake up even more tired than before. Of course I'm tired not being able to get up early, make myself a stack of pancake for breakfast, do daily workouts or be productive in the morning for once. Of course I'm tired of this totally chaotic rhythm of life I'm living, in which I could only dream of being productive, or dream of having a dream. Of course I'm tired looking at the mirror and find someone who looks like they've been doing meth and sleeping for nineteen hours on a Thursday afternoon.
The thing is, I don't even like sleep... If I could, I would prefer not to sleep for the rest of my life, because I'm aware of how much time I've been wasting in my life. But probably wasting time is already in my nature, because once I try hitting the hay early (yes, 11 PM is early), I would spend the rest of the night trying to sleep and end up wasting 6 hours, and then sleep away for 5 hours or so. So... 11 hours in total. What a waste, right.
And people wonder why I keep pulling an all-nighter. At least when I sleep at 5 AM, I wouldn't worry about wasting additional 6 hours.
I'm getting myself a coffee.
You know how people today communicate via mobile phone; we barely text or call anymore. Instead, we choose the option of instant messaging, or chat, so to speak. It's a lot cheaper, has a nice interface we can customize, and also saves you from the burden of memorizing phone numbers. The only texts I get nowadays are advertisements, promotions, and spam. So naturally, if I want to contact people, it should be through one of these messaging apps.
And the first chat that I received today, in the morning, consists of something like, "Aren't you tired?"
That was intended to response to my chat telling her that I couldn't sleep well last night. As usual. I can barely get good night sleep nowadays. I would be on the bed since 11 PM, but I toss and turn and drift off only to be awakened by this sudden jerk of muscles, which would last until 5 AM or so...
But the chat that I received, the question, feels like something a lot wholesome.
Aren't you tired?
Why are you asking the obvious. Of course I'm tired of not being able to sleep like a normal human being. Of course I'm tired of wasting 6 hours of my life trying to refresh myself, just to wake up even more tired than before. Of course I'm tired not being able to get up early, make myself a stack of pancake for breakfast, do daily workouts or be productive in the morning for once. Of course I'm tired of this totally chaotic rhythm of life I'm living, in which I could only dream of being productive, or dream of having a dream. Of course I'm tired looking at the mirror and find someone who looks like they've been doing meth and sleeping for nineteen hours on a Thursday afternoon.
The thing is, I don't even like sleep... If I could, I would prefer not to sleep for the rest of my life, because I'm aware of how much time I've been wasting in my life. But probably wasting time is already in my nature, because once I try hitting the hay early (yes, 11 PM is early), I would spend the rest of the night trying to sleep and end up wasting 6 hours, and then sleep away for 5 hours or so. So... 11 hours in total. What a waste, right.
And people wonder why I keep pulling an all-nighter. At least when I sleep at 5 AM, I wouldn't worry about wasting additional 6 hours.
I'm getting myself a coffee.
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