This is going to sound weird, but I think my inner demon is back.
I was fine for the last two weeks or so, but it all changed overnight. And of course it occurs when I happen to be prepared for exam week.
Feelings are mixed in between "I need to do stuffs" and "I'm not good enough so why bother", to "I should go out more and explore" and "fuck everything I hate everything why bother". I don't know how more precise I can explain, but I think it's pretty close.
I see everyone around me are doing really fine in their 4th year, and I'm still stuck thinking where I'm heading for my future. So far it's still looking pretty bleak to me. I'm afraid, I'm scared, I'm worried, most of the time. I got nothing. Just... not knowing, it's terrifying.
More terrifying is knowing that you won't be good enough... for anyone, for anything. I have the tendency to feel like a total failure at the slightest mistake. I know this needs change in order for me to live as a human being (not a breathing fiasco). I decided just a few moments ago that I would start not caring, as in, stop taking shit from everyone, you know, but my inner demon decided that it's just too late for me to change. I'm already known as the shit-bearer, the invisible beta, to everyone around me. That means I bring no change whatsoever, just not influential enough to be a human, you know?
I feel like I digress throughout the whole post, rambling with no point. What I'm trying to say is probably that I feel like a total failure, stuck in stagnancy while seeing everyone doing so great, progressing with their studies, with their lives, and their future. That's the point.
I just feel like I'm not ready to face the world yet. Not now. I also don't feel like I would be ready anytime soon, though. I don't know when I will actually change for good. For now, I just want to sulk and hate on myself.
Peace out.
