I want to feel the nightly wind blow against my hair as my fingers tap the steering wheel to the rhythm of How to Leave Town tracks. I want to smell the ocean air, hear the thundering friction of my car wheels against the empty road, and watch the dim streetlights lining up the sides of my course.
Driving was always such a hassle in the city road. Traffic was everywhere, motorcycles would impudently cut your lane with no warning, and I especially hated how I got honked after only 0.01 seconds of green light. I thought machinery was invented to ease the work of mankind, not spawning petty problems like this.
But then again, perhaps as human needs get progressively fulfilled, we tend to seek for new problems to solve. Our goal has shifted from the survival of a species to that self-actualization of an individual.
And that's precisely why I'm here.
Either to actualize myself through this lonely journey, or to run away from the entity that used to be myself that I projected onto society.
I don't smoke.
So when I stared longingly into the darkness of the night sea, I did that with a chupa chups in my mouth instead of red marlboro. My fingers twirled idly on the thin stick of my lollipop. I waited for the current song to end before turning the car stereo off, letting my ears soaking in the sound of crashing waves
..and footsteps.
"You're so cute when you try to act tough." He joined me in leaning against the right side of the car, facing the ocean.
"I'm not acting tough." I held out the candy when I spoke, not sparing him a glance.
"Sure," I could hear him chuckling and inching closer to me. An arm around the back of my neck, the palm clutching the edge of my shoulder. I rested my head on his chest and we stayed like that for quite a moment.
For a moment....
A moment....
How long would the world be waiting for us? Does it ever, anyway? Or was this the world that's actually waiting for us, and now that we were finally here, it's opening up its arms to welcome us? Everything just seemed so perfect, so comforting, so peaceful, so forgiving.
The trip was initially a one-man plan. Drive away, don't be seen. Take a break. Breathe. Observe. Reflect. Find yourself.
Instead, I found him first.
"Take me with you." His voice was stern.
"You do realize where I'm going, right?"
"You could take me to Antarctica for all I care."
"I'm going nowhere."
"Maybe that's what I need as well."
Long silence. He waited still. I took my time to think.
"Are you sure?"
"Never been so sure."
I gave in to the touch of his calloused fingers against the cold of my cheek and the tip of my chin. The hand that used to hover around mine so much with uncertainty, now in its definitive physical proof tracing the shape of my face. I did the same, from the side crinkle of his eyes, the crook of his nose, and the scruffy side of his upper neck.
Don't ask me if I ever ate metal, but he tasted like one. My senses soon were engulfed with the mixture of salty breeze, strawberry candy sweetness, faded fragrant musk and saliva. The moon was still hiding, the streetlights were still faint, the wave sounds were still deafening, and the car engine was still off.
The stillness was like an oasis in this ever-crowded world, and I had to bite to make sure none of this is a dream I would be ruthlessly yanked away from.
"Careful there." He chuckled, "Don't bleed me out too much."
“So you don’t mind bleeding a little?” I smirked.
He laughed. Just the way I had always liked it. It was nice.
So we smile and embrace until we don't know who we are. ♪
"What's the previous lyrics- your head doesn't tell you-?"
"Doesn't tell you to kill yourself ♪."
"That's morbid."
"He was just being explicit."
The music continued keeping us company in the late of tonight. The street was vacant, save for a few trucks and generic compact-type cars that passed me by. I stepped on the gas pedal a little deeper, making sure to put more caution on the brake under my left foot. My former driving instructor's words rang inside my head.
You're very careful with your driving. I wouldn't worry about your safety as a driver.
I didn't even want to be too cautious. I wanted to let loose. I wanted to escape myself. But I also wanted to drive slow and enjoy the night. Especially with him beside me, what's there to rush for?
I insisted on driving again because I had to keep my autopilot brain somewhat functioning. He was not supposed to be a variable in this soul-searching operation, but then again maybe I was not in his initial plan either. I'd like to think that I was the one catalyzing his intention into action, or perhaps he was just curious of what I would be doing and wanted to accompany me because he liked me that much.
He was no stranger. It wasn't as if I found him on the street one day, hunched over behind the trashbin of an alleyway, bruised and battered like a stray puppy in a rough neighborhood. Nothing that dramatic. After years of building up friendship, he had known me close enough to decipher the fact that I was going on this crazy secret supposedly lonely trip. And I thought I knew him like the back of my hand, yet I failed to predict this unlikely alliance.
I glanced sideways at him looking outside the passenger seat window intently. I noticed he moved his head in sync with the tune. The slightly ajar window gave way to light breeze that swept the upper part of his hair. He seemed to be preoccupied in his inner thoughts. Or maybe he was just familiarizing himself with my music.
♪ But I still felt the eyes upon me, so I drove away.
I focused on the road once again. Dawn was almost arriving.
