Ultimately, though, you just stop trying. Because of that one particularly annoying person.
You.
That mirror, that's in your room? There's something wrong with it. It's like a funhouse mirror that never worked to your favor. Sometimes you see a funny face. Sometimes you see a normal face, just like how you see people on the street. Sometimes you see the ugliest creature to ever walk this earth. Sometimes there's a faint glimmer that you try to brush off as bad lighting because you refuse to acknowledge that you can be happy at times.
Are my eyes just fooling me? No. It's the mirrors that are wrong.
We all have our own distorted, twisted perception of ourselves that we could never be certain the accuracy of. Hell, people have their own distorted perceptions of us, and they're usually wrong. No, this is not your typical "only God can judge me" psychobabble, because I know we physically cannot stop our brain from automatically forming first impressions of people (although we can at least refrain from talking without thinking first). It's the act of looking in the mirror and seeing different things.
I've always had the mindset that people's personalities are like those you customize on The Sims games. You choose an 'Evil' trait, then they're going to be mischievous and misbehaving all the time. You choose 'Good-mannered', then it's the other way around. Yeah, blame my asocial adolescence for spending more time with video games rather than actual people. Surprise, surpsrise, this is not applicable in the real world.
It's too easy to see others as monolithic, unchanging. We're more akin to special relativity here, since we are moving, our thoughts are moving, our lives are moving, and so are others'. The times dilating, the lengths contracting, but never constant. That's why the mirrors look slightly distorted along the journey, be it for us or them. Hell, you would look distorted to them, vice versa.
Growing up, I was never a fan of mirror, be it metaphorically or factually. I didn't like looking at myself. I was never aware of myself, so to speak. I would stand in front of the mirror and let people tell me what they see in it, taking their surface-level assessment as the truth. If I were someone else witnessing this situation, I'd immediately think in exasperation, 'just lift up your sight for a few inch, it's not that hard!'.
Yet I'm trying to be sympathetic. I think back, and try to figure out why I was the way I was. Why past me wouldn't even spare herself a glance. Why she lower her gaze to the ground around her feet instead. She was uncertain, she didn't know what to do. I know.
She was scared.
But why was she scared? Is it because she found out at such a young age that all mirrors are distorted and she would never find the truth through it? Is it because she already know she wouldn't like what she sees that she's in denial? Did she refuse to acknowledge that she needs a mirror after all?
No. That's because a few times as a kid I tried staring at my eyes' reflection for so long that I tripped out. Forgot my name, questioned my existence, was unsure if I were dreaming or not. Then I discovered the infamous superstition of mirrors being a gateway to other dimension. Then mirrors became a creepy thing to me.
Like I said, sometimes you just stop trying, because the reason is stupid anyway.
But I understand, because she was a kid, and emotions are more difficult to invalidate than the underlying logical argument behind it. Just because you could explain your fear doesn't mean you would stop fearing it altogether.
It's disorienting to actually have a perception about yourself on developing period that you rigidly plant in your brain for many years, and you begin to see yourself as unchanging. You aren't sure to move forward, in expense of changing yourself and completely destroy that perception. Yet, you couldn't stay still forever, because that's just technically improbable. You're already boarded this spaceship.
Almost like when you already climbed the social mountain of fanbase and blindly planting a flag declaring 'X is the best band ever and nothing can change my mind!!' only for them in the span of a few years releasing an album that's an utter bullshit even to your obsessive taste. oops totally not personal story, guys. On one hand, you couldn't even bear to listen to it, but you were also unable to admit because you're a stubborn twat who hates to be proven wrong. So you ditched the fanbase altogether and start a new account. like I said, not personal.
So I guess the moral of the story here is that I have grown enough to acknowledge this fact, and that I can finally look in the mirror with my own two eyes, no matter how wacky or weird the reflection will be. I can confront the fact that people might not see the same things as I do, and that's fine, we'll just agree to disagree. After all, just one is plenty enough mirror on my spaceship.
