Who hasn't heard of the "bloody mary" urban legend, where if you chant "bloody mary" three times in front of your dark bathroom mirror, the bloodied disfigured woman would come and get you? What about the ritual of using mirror to catch a glimpse of the literal hell, where you put a big mirror to sit in front of past midnight with required tools and few drops of your blood? Or if you're quite imaginative, relating to the stories where your reflection in the mirror is actually a distant entity that would jump out and trap you in the mirror while it takes over your life given the chance?
What about the worst of them all: looking in front of a mirror and seeing something, someone, you can't recognize anymore?
When you do the past midnight-mirror ritual, you need to lit a candle. You do that, and I can bet you the candle is brighter than my eyes. They say eyes are the window to your soul, so what does it mean to see a window that doesn't even reflect you back? You're looking at emptiness. Just a vast space of transparency, not liquid, not solid. It's that inside of a cube you drew indifferently for your geometry or solid state physics homework.
Or maybe it's not emptiness. Maybe it's the numbness of failing to recognize an object.
Imagine living in your head for so long that when you take a look at yourself in the mirror, you think to yourself, "that's not me". Not because you've changed drastically, but because you have no idea of "you" in the first place. Could went from A to Z, from 10 to 21, or turning 22 last month, the reflection still doesn't make sense.
Is it because I failed to know myself? Is it because I lost track of the concept of change that the transition feels surreal?
I know how futile and selfish this kind of observation sounds like. I know it's useless to try and formulate myself. I know there are moments that I reflect and wish I could just say "yeah this is me right now and if it doesn't make sense when I look at myself later it's because things have changed and I'm a different person in this circumstance" and just go about my life. I know I shouldn't be boxing myself in terms, labeling myself psychologically or be scared of being myself.
I'm really amazed how I've made it this far, though. After all, it takes years and years of nurturing myself with sleep deprivation, lack of physical exercises, caffeine chugging, meaningless communication, and vacant consumerism to get to where I am today. I haven't slept last night, and I just finished my first cup of coffee this morning after binge-watching supposedly informative YouTube videos.
There's really no point in writing this. Did you think the beginning of this post would take you to a refreshing tale of horror? No, this is just my usual ranting. I watched The Sixth Sense yesterday and I found out that what I'm ordinarily writing is called "free association writing". If you're looking for horror stories you can check the r/shortscarystories or r/nosleep subreddit. Also, I recommend the Russian Sleep Experiment.
In conclusion, I would like you all to be grateful if you're able to look at yourself in the mirror and not having existential crisis or being obsessed of finding what's wrong with you. Smile at your reflection today, and maybe tomorrow will smile back at you. Take care of yourself and don't make the same mistake I have done.
Cheers,
T.
