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Just a small rant, as usual. Let's talk about fear. I have an absolutely abstract, yet specific type of fear.

Time. It's time.

By now I have realized how much of a walking contradiction I am. My fear could be induced by my obsession, or the other way around. But they're both still here; in my mind. I'm both obsessed and afraid of time. Running out of time.

Everytime I wake up around the middle of the night, the first thing I do is making sure the clock still ticks. I obsess over clock ticks in that silent time of the day. I would notice how at some point the ticking sound grows louder, and it goes back to normal. At some point I would hear two sets of clock ticking; from another room, from the next room, or from the dining room outside.

I fear for that moment when the clock stops ticking; time stops while I stand still, doing things like nothing happened.
I fear for that moment when time stops, I'm the only one moving, and I have no idea why or how. It's weird, because in the back of my mind I know it would not really happen, but I'm still scared.

I would have a small heart attack if the clock stops or runs out of battery, because it's the closest I could get to that nightmare I always fear coming true.

Midnight trips to toilet are always unpleasant, because for those brief silent moment, where everyone is sleeping, you can't actually tell that time is still moving. You can't really tell whether people are actually sleeping or just... stop living. That's why, probably strangely enough, I find comfort when I encounter small bugs like ants or mosquitoes moving. They give me sense of security that time still ticks; that life goes on for them, and also for me.

It's probably also why I find comfort in being the lone figure in the crowd. I would prefer silence on my own, but I also want to make sure that time still ticks, and life still goes on for everyone else. Spending silence on my own just feels so... maddening. I feel like I'm going crazy.

But I also long for the moment when time stops for me; for my life. I'm counting my end days. I probably wish this all stops very soon.