I'm excited to have been offered a new job, nervous about the start of a seemingly "new life" (and the work itself, whether I'd do well and such), proud of myself to have had overcome the process and all, and now I'm still... expecting, anticipating. I've already said yes to the offer, but now they're hanging me out to dry. I haven't signed anything yet. Maybe tomorrow.
It just amazed me how quickly I'm bouncing away from my previous state of "eagerness" to become merely numb. Before this period of job recruitment that I'm following, I was struck with the sense of being eager with life. This was apparent in the way I wanted and actually wasn't hesitant to try new things. I was empowered with some sort of "agency"; an example is whereas I was bored, I would just get off my arse and take a walk outside. Doesn't matter where, I'd just grab my jacket and walk because I NEED the walk, while the rest of the thoughts can follow later. Usually I would overthink the act of just walking outside to various extent -- where'd I go anyway?; should I bring my stuff?; it's too steep and hilly in my neighborhood; etc. etc.
Gosh, it's only been like five days and I miss her already.
I suspect this whole job recruitment process was so abrupt and quick-paced that I was finished with it all before fully comprehending how I'm feeling about it. As if I was supposed to be nervous, but there wasn't even enough time to. The announcement for the first assessment was sent to me less than 24 hours beforehand. Then, only one day lasted before I was called for HR interview, and only two days afterwards I was informed to attend user interview conducted in the next half an hour! I was out eating with friend during this, just enjoying my time, then I had to rush home for the online meet. Lmfaoo.
It was going so quick that I didn't even realize what I'm feeling. So now I'm just floating on the current, anticipating the next big thing.
In the meantime, I'm dumbfounded from my own projects. I already had huge writing (and reading?) projects set that I was ready to take during my (pessimistic take of another year of) unemployment. I was almost too ready to be chronically unemployed, just living my romantic life as an aspiring writer. Then, this storm unexpectedly hit. Wasn't particularly a bad storm, but there's still that sense of "my plan isn't going well because of these... disturbances" that made me unable to enact the routines from my initial schedules.
Sure, logically, I can attempt to write my piece or something during the free time in between the recruitment process, but mentally I'm still unable to do so. I'm still learning to be flexible, but I'm not quite there yet.
What I'm saying is, it probably should have been expected that I'm feeling this way - numb. I had a plan, all of a sudden the plan was interrupted by another course of alternative plan, and now I'm gonna have a whole new life ahead of me only in the span of one week. (Might be exaggerating for some people, because it's not like I'm going to work abroad in a new country with an entirely new identity, but still) I should just accept this feeling, and pat myself lightly on the back (not too much!) for getting through with it all.
It's hard to actually be "productive" during the free time since I'm still processing it all. It's fine. It's an adventure, as long as your heart is beating.
You'll have time for your writing later.
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