It's almost 4 AM, and I haven't gotten an ounce of sleep yet. The nearby masjid has already preparing for dawn azan, but my Youtube window is still playing the soft tunes of "Rainy Night Coffee Shop Ambience with Relaxing Jazz Music and Rain Sounds - 8 Hours".
It's been so long since I'm awake at this hour, especially on a weekday.
They say Thursday nights are the witching period of the week (I don't know if that's the correct term), but the only horror I'm facing is the scary thoughts of existential dreads.
I foolishly quit my stable job for... personal reasons, and now I have all this free time to entertain my inner demons instead.
But that's not why I'm having existential crisis. I've always thought that I don't really belong there. We have different values and I'm trying to pursue something else entirely. I did my best at work, and yet it didn't work.
I keep a jar full of tea variants in my room. Tonight I feel like brewing Jasmine Green Tea.
As I take my sips, I'm thinking about a lot of things. About what have been happening, what will be happening, what I want, what I think I want, how I can separate the things I really want from the things I thought I want, that kind of stuff.
I have a hundred of things that I want to write about. I have a list of writing ideas and prompts, neatly organized in a spreadsheet file with categories and such. I have big ambitions, but lack the resilience to chase them. I want to tell stories, but I'm afraid to be vulnerable. I keep having impostor's syndrome, yet still thinking I'm better than anyone else.
...
Wouldn't it be funny if tomorrow never comes?
And we would be stuck with whatever we have now, whoever we are now. Would we have any regrets? Or would we accept it with open arms, since it's what we've been waiting for?
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