Play Days Are Over

#nowplaying Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over

Okay, so I changed the title from the song a little bit... just to fit my mood tonight. I'm getting serious with my mind at this very moment.

I've been thinking of my future lately. As a freshman in High School, it may be quite too early to consider about what style I have to die with. However, I realize that my sloppy and lazy habit got my daily routines move seemingly faster than ever, then days to days passes quickly.

During times, I could not think of anything worthy to escape boring daily activities like going to school. Well, I actually could, but things will turn out messy. I always try to play some guitar when I get home, sketch artworks from scratch, make music videos, or similar things expressed through art and productive. To show the world I can really DO something for them.

I have no talents. Wise quotes often say that everybody has talent. I think I'm the only exception. The only things I can do are totally selfish. I read comics, not heavy literature, and most times I don't understand the storyline or plot or whatsoever so I would not make a decent writer. I listen to music, just to waste the time. Sure, I can be a hardcore Linkin Park fan like I always say, but there are people who love them more than I could ever do. I rarely study for I underestimate academic stuffs. I'm socially awkward, and nobody ever needs me hang around. I say lots of lame things, and stupidly think people will like me for that. I have religion, but not truly a believer from heart. I’m not nice, either. I’m a jerk, a hypocrite.

I don’t have a certain dream. The worst thing ever happens to human’s soul is inside of me. I’m empty. I live chasing nothing. I want to excel in everything. That is nearly my ambition, but I’m an untalented perfectionist. It’s like the universe is trying to stop my attempts of being worthy. I’m holding on to what I haven’t got.

I’ve stuck to what is in front of me. I don’t think far ahead. But now I’m wondering of what I will be. I see that every second someone is achieving what they want, what they’re destined to be. Am I going to be one of those dirty moolah-oriented politicians or green environmental activist? Am I going to work in mailroom or write movie scripts? I don’t know.

On some comics I read, there are protagonists who chase their dream since childhood even if it risks their lives. That’s it. I’ve wanted to be that person who dares to lose my life for something, to die with honor. Except what is that thing? Pride, religion, dream, football club, country, favorite band? Doesn’t matter which one, I’m still a messed-up teen for this moment. I’m gonna die for something one day. Yes.

I want to invent something that will change the world and blow human sanity. I want to make that Sci-Fi movie beyond-reach society real. I want to build a time machine or create a teletransporter.

Yes, I want to be a lot of things, I want to expertise every thing, but that’s not quite my dream. I’m still looking for that passion to keep me alive. I’m searching for myself. Oh, yes. That is my current aspiration.