Now What?

So. Uh. Long time no see.

It's been a while since I write here (deja vu right, I know). Things have been happening to me, and I've been happening to things. Some days are busier than others, and long story short, this blog hasn't really crossed my mind for quite a while.

It only occurs to me when everything cooled down. When the thesis defense ended. When the breathe of relief was sighed outside the fourth floor meeting room in Labtek XIX. When the last revision was sent. When the grade appeared on my academic transcript.

Now what?

It was supposed to be a breath of relief, but... in reality, there was numbness. To be frank, the numbness lasted longer than the joy. I was supposed to rejoice. Happy that it passed. But... not really. I mean, surely I was glad, but not *that* glad, you know?

It seemed like it happened too sudden. I felt like I could do better.

But that's just always my problem, isn't it? That feeling of constant inadequacy disguised as "perfectionism" or "idealism". Or perhaps those are also real, mixed and jumbled inside me to form a bundle of emotion I can't quite pinpoint.

Now what?

I don't really know what kind of answer I'm looking for right now. Is it the "what-is-next-for-me" type of "now-what" or "what-does-my-research-contribute-to" type? I suppose it's the former, because after all I am now emerging to the outside world, beyond the boundary of systematic academia world. Perhaps I could pursue more of those, but is it what I really need right now?

It's been almost two weeks since I began waking up wondering in the morning. It's a whiplash from the usual busy routine. Waking up without a sense of purpose is... familiar. It's what my past self had encountered for months, before the second academia phase kicked in. It's... not great. I mean, stressed out every day working on your thesis is unhealthy too, but it's a different ballpark when we talk about sense of purpose.

I have a lot of interests. A lot of things I want to do. But they're not specifically long-term. Only bits and pieces of activities that can be done in spare time. Or even, things that can occupy my spare time nicely. Such as writing a blog post like this.

I have ideas of what I want to write. To create. I think it's always been my calling. Whenever I'm left on my own, it always pops up on my mind. To write. To document the present so the future knows what's in the past. I just wish I can expand that intention towards something bigger than myself. So I'm not only writing for my selfish self. So that it contributes to something to someone else.

But I'm a simple girl. As long as there is one person appreciating my writing, I think I'll be content. I think that's the main reason I never intend to capitalize on my writing, because I never want to try to appease the market. I just want to write according to my selfish intention.

I want to write about A Thing purely because I'm interested in The Thing. If there is one other person who also likes The Thing and we can connect because of that, then that's cool! But otherwise, I would be making a billboard for myself. Advertising my past ideas to my future self.

So to answer the question "Now what?" I think I might say.... it's writing. It always has been.