Insomniac.

Aku tak bisa tidur, pikirku galau. iPod-ku masih melantunkan lagu pelan dari daftar putar "Sleep" Spotify, volume sedang, dan seharusnya dapat membuatku tertidur. Tetapi aku masih mendengarnya. Suara gemerisik. Dari atas atap. Dari lantai bawah. Dari tali jemuran di luar.

Kamar bisa menjadi tiba-tiba dingin. Aku tinggal di lantai dua yang jendelanya dapat dibuka dan langsung diterpa angin. Jam 2 sampai jam 6 adalah jam-jam kritis untuk jari-jari kakiku. Dan telingaku. Aku mendengar suara angin dan atap seperti kejatuhan sesuatu. Telapak kakiku dingin dan mati rasa.

Ada sensasi yang tidak bisa dijelaskan ketika kamu terlalu sering bangun malam. Dini hari bisa menjadi sangat familiar, sepi dan nyaman untuk berkonsentrasi. Di satu sisi, itu terlalu sepi dan menjadi sangat asing. Aku selalu menjadi sangat sensitif pada suara, pada temperatur, pada bau. Terkadang aku harus berpegangan pada sesuatu untuk meyakinkan diriku sendiri bahwa aku benar sedang bangun. Aku benar-benar mencium sesuatu, merasakan dinginnya angin, atau mendengar bunyi gemerisik yang nyata.

Aku akan mendengar suara seperti orang berbicara, atau berbisik, di lantai bawah, dan aku akan turun. Aku membawa gelas sekaligus untuk mengambil minum, sambil melingkupkan diriku pada selimut yang hangat. Aku mendapati suara nyanyian dari satu kamar di lantai bawah, dan merasa lega karena aku tahu aku tidak gila, dan aku benar mendengar sesuatu.

Aku tidak keberatan dengan chat tengah malam atau dini hari, karena keberadaan seseorang membantuku berpegangan pada kenyataan bahwa aku terbangun, aku mampu bercakap-cakap dan merangkai kalimat secara koheren. Kau tidak bisa yakin akan hal itu ketika bermimpi.

Kau tahu meja kecil yang biasa dibawa anak-anak saat lomba mewarnai? Aku memiliki satu, yang kugantung agar rapi di gantungan tempel di samping meja belajarku, hanya lima senti dari permukaan lantai. Jam 2 pagi, ia terjatuh dan menyadarkanku dari keadaan setengah tidur. Aku tertawa kering dan merasa bodoh. Tiga jam kemudian aku tertidur lelap.

Selalu saja begini. Aku sudah siap tertidur, daftar putar musik menenangkan di iPod pun sudah disetel, walaupun aku masih sulit tertidur dan sudah sejam aku menanti dewi tidur mendatangiku. Aku mendengar suara tempat sampah di depan terjatuh. Terjatuh mungkin bukan kata yang tepat. Dijatuhkan lebih tepat. Bukannya dewi tidur yang datang, malah makhluk kelaparan. Aku mengeluarkan wadah kecil berisi makanan kucing yang tersisa dan menaruhnya di dekat tempat sampah. Kucing liar itu langsung melompat dari tempat sampah dan terdiam di atas pinggiran jemuran menatapku. Aku kembali masuk ke kamar. Aku tertidur lima jam kemudian, setelah menonton beberapa episode anime, menggenjreng gitar dan bernyanyi sumbang.

Aku tak bisa tidur, keluhku pada teman-temanku. Tapi aku pernah berada dalam keadaan seperti ini, beberapa bulan lalu, beberapa tahun lalu. Aku pikir aku pernah menceritakan hal ini di dalam blog. Beberapa minggu penuh ketidakjelasan waktu tidur, dan entah bagaimana lingkaran setan itu berakhir, terlupakan begitu saja. Aku tak pernah ingat kapan siklus kebobrokan jadwal tidur ini dimulai, dan kapan ia tiba-tiba berakhir. Yang jelas saat ini aku sedang berada di dalamnya.

Aku tahu kenapa aku tidak bisa tidur. Aku tahu aku tidak bisa tidur karena aku terlalu banyak memikirkan hal yang tidak dapat kukendalikan, terlalu banyak memikirkan hal yang dapat kukendalikan namun tidak kulakukan, terlalu banyak berpikir, itu yang jelas. Aku tidak bisa menghentikan pikiran-pikiran akan hal-hal buruk yang telah terjadi padaku, pikiran-pikiran seandainya aku melakukan hal yang berbeda dulu, pikiran-pikiran di mana aku dapat menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik dibanding sekarang seandainya dulu aku melakukan hal yang berbeda.

The redundancy of overthinking.

Aku tahu kenapa aku tidak bisa tidur. Aku tidak bisa tidur karena romantisasi insomnia. Aku suka memberitahu kalian kalau aku tidak bisa tidur malam. Aku nocturnal. Aku spesial, aku tidak fungsional, aku aneh. Aku mendengarkan daftar putar lo-fi hiphop dengan ambience midnight karena terdengar keren. Aku membayangkan diriku seperti protagonis dalam cerita Haruki Murakami, menjelajah dinginnya malam dengan jaket dan syal, mendengarkan musik dari iPodnya, mendatangi kafe 24 jam untuk membaca buku dan menyeruput cappuccino panas sembari menghindari kenyataan hidup dan berteman dengan krisis eksistensial.

Aku akan terbangun esok hari pukul 2 siang, menuang diriku semangkuk corn flakes dan segelas teh stroberi, kemudian bertanya-tanya apakah malam tanpa tidur ini akan terulang lagi esok hari. Tanpa tempat untuk dituju, tanpa hal untuk dilakukan, mempertanyakan hal-hal yang tidak penting sangatlah mudah. The privilege of being idle.

Apa kisahmu malam ini, kawan?

You'll Float Too.

I'm floating.

The sky is clear blue. Birds are chirping, thick white clouds hanging around, and I'm still floating. I can't recall the last time I put my feet on the grounds below. View is pleasant up here, and traffic is non-existent. Just like my life.

I've had friends down below, although I'm alone up here. Friends are the only thing that keep me down there. I'll float forever if I don't have them.

Pita was nice. She gave me food and let me stay in her house for a week, but when she got a boyfriend I was kicked out immediately. Her boyfriend didn't want a stranger like me taking advantage of her kind nature. I floated away and wrote Pita a goodbye letter.

Jack was a big fan of music. We met in front of a records store. As we became friends he let me hang out at his place and listen to his collection. Sometimes he invited me to listen to his band playing. He didn't let me stay too long, though. After a few weeks I floated away. I drew a fanart of his favorite album and sent it to him before I left.

Mira was different. She was quiet. So I stayed quiet too. She fidgeted. I stared. I didn't know what was wrong with me, or her. She liked going to a neighborhood cafe and stayed there for hours. She would bring books, or sometimes her laptop. Typing, typing away when she was not reading. She liked that coffee with cinnamon in it... she called it cappuccino, I think?
She bought me a cup of tea. We didn't spoke much, but it felt like home. For some reason, though, one day she just disappeared from the cafe. From the neighborhood. I heard things like she was being taken away by her family to marry some guy. What's a forced marriage? I didn't know what to do, so I floated. I still wonder how cappuccino tastes and what a forced marriage is.

Jon was famous, but not that famous. I found him in a minimarket, and he bought me a sportsdrink. He was an endorser, whatever that meant, so it was practically free for him. After he bought me that drink, a few people crowded around him asking for selfies, whatever that meant. One of them asked me to take their pictures. After they were done, Jon left. I drank the whole bottle and floated away. The man in side the minimarket yelled at me for littering, whatever that meant.

I'm still floating. The sky is turning darker. Sunlight isn't as hot as it was a few moments ago. I look down, searching for shelter. Below is just a neighborhood; all occupied house. I decide to flow downwards, and end up in front of a small store. The thunder starts.

Nick's his name. He's also stuck in the rain. He doesn't talk much, just like Mira. He plays with his phone, and fiddles with his helmet. I stare. I look at the sky.

Oh how I wish to float right now.

Morning Coffee and Flash Updates

Sedang mood berbahasa Indonesia hari ini, so imma give flash drabbles-like updates on my life in bahasa Indonesia.

--
Hair-Dryer

Aku akhirnya membeli hair dryer, tidak hari ini sih, tapi akhir pekan lalu. Lalu merasa cewek banget. Seumur-umur 22 tahun hidupku sepertinya aku tak pernah terpikir untuk menggunakan perangkat pengering rambut ini, selain setelah potong rambut, yang mana yaa sudah termasuk di ongkos potong dan bawaan dari tempat pangkasnya. Masa pulang-pulang rambut masih basah.

Pasalnya dari jaman Suju belum nge-boom di Indonesia sampai BTS naik daun worldwide, rambutku selalu model pendek ala-ala boyband Korea, jadi kalau mau keramas dan mengeringkan rambut gampang. Pakai sampo seupil macem krim malam pun tak masalah (oke ini terlalu dramatis, mungkin tak sesedikit itu), mengeringkan tinggal di-bwet bwet bwet sepuluh menit pakai handuk eng-ing-eng siaplah ku menyambangi Timezone terdekat (lho? bukannya kuliah?).

Sekarang berbeda. Aku mulai memanjangkan rambut. Enggak ada maksud apapun, spontan saja, tidak bahkan terbesit pikiran "ah, pengen manjangin rambut", hanya saja tidak mengalokasikan otak untuk memikirkan model potong rambut. Mungkin efek iklim Bandung yang ademm, sehingga tidak merasa kegerahan meskipun terjadi perpanjangan rambut yang biasanya di Balikpapan walaupun infinitesmal langsung terasa. Mungkin juga efek tidak kuliah dan tidak banyak kegiatan (ketauan penganggurannya deh), jadi tidak merasa terbebani kalau harus meluangkan waktu lebih banyak untuk mencuci rambut dan mengeringkannya.

Jadinya kalau habis mandi plus keramas, 5 jam bisa habis deh cuma buat alasan 'mengeringkan rambut', padahal sambil leyeh-leyeh main tetris dan browsing YouTube ga jelas (kapan belajarnya woi?). Dengan rambut yang (relatif) panjang, lebih rawan gatal, sehingga harus lebih sering dicuci, dan walhasil, lebih banyak waktu yang dialokasikan untuk... mengeringkan rambut *soundtrack Korobeiniki terdengar dari kejauhan*. Jadi, kalau tiba-tiba ingin keramas, rencana keluar kosan batal sudah. Mandi jam 10 (bukan kebo, kalo lebih pagi dingin tauk..), keringnya baru jam 5 sore, akhirnya batal keluar untuk beli makan siang atau ke lab kampus dengan alasan rambut masih basah. Yeuuu...

Sekarang aku ingin mengubah itu! Dengan hair dryer Panasonic EH-ND11 berkekuatan 400 watt ini akan kukompres 5 jam yang sia-sia itu ke dalam 10 menit yang berarti, dan 4 jam 50 menit sisanya untuk melakukan hal yang lebih produktif! Seperti... seperti... apa, ya? Hmmm....

*tiduran lagi main Tetris*

Setidaknya rambutku sudah kering dan wangi.

--
Tetris

Masih berkaitan dengan tulisan sebelumnya. Aku demam Tetris. Orang aneh, memang, Tetris mainan dari jaman jebot malah demamnya sekarang. Aku sampai pusing-pusing gara-gara terlalu banyak bermain. Ada kali mahasiswa tingkat akhir sakitnya bukan karena skripsi, tapi karena kebanyakan main Tetris *kompres mata*. Dan ini baru-baru saja. Mungkin tidak lama lagi aku akan bosan, tapi aku tak tahu kapan akan bosannya... wong merem aja bayangannya masih itu kotak-kotak Tetromino berjatuhan dan melebur saat komplit sebaris. Aaagghh.

Aku tidak menyebut diriku gamer, tapi memang dasar millenial yang hobinya berselancar di internet dan browsing tak tentu arah, aku nyasar di segmen review video games YouTube. Pertamanya sih adikku mengenalkanku dengan lelucon ala ala meme yang ternyata berasal dari saluran YouTube yang bernama JonTron. Video-videonya sangat menarik dan menghibur bagiku yang bahkan sebelumnya tak tahu apa itu Banjo-Kazooie, atau kalau ternyata Mario Games itu banyak macamnya dan tidak hanya untuk satu console saja.

Jadilah dari video JonTron aku menemukan kalau ternyata banyak juga channel yang membuat webshow mereka sendiri yang mengulas video games, dari yang bernuansa komedik sampai serius, dari yang menampilkan setengah-setengah hingga Let's Play-ers yang menampilkan mereka bermain dari awal sampai akhir game.

Hingga aku menemukan channel yang dinamai brutalmoose. Ian, yang punya channel, kebanyakan mengulas video game yang tergolong 'retro' (bahasa kerennya jadul yak), tapi baru-baru ini dia memulai serial baru yang mengulas TV show dan film jadul, dan mengulas snack jadul jaman dia kecil. Maksudnya yang masih dijual sampai sekarang yaa, bukan cemilan dari taun 1990an dia simpen buat di-review *huuu garing ah*

Kenapa jadi merembet ke sini ya... Intinyaa dia membuat satu video yang judulnya "Top 5 Time-Consuming Games" dan menampilkan salah satunya adalaahh... yaaa... Tetris (dia taruh di #2 btw). Habis menonton itu aku langsung tergerak untuk main Tetris sambil berpikir-pikir aplikasi game Tetris masih ada nggak di GooglePlay. Ada sih banyak di GPlay, tapi yang bikin aku kepincut adalah versi yang EA buat untuk dimainkan di iOS. Tadinya aku khawatir akan banyak ads di dalam aplikasinya, tapi ternyata enggak tuh! *biasanya wifi-nya dimatikan soalnya hihi*

Lalu mekanisme kendali yang awalnya bikin aku agak wagu karena model tetromino-nya di-slide dan bukan dikendalikan pakai button seperti versi jadul di gameboy, malah bikin seru karena memang layarnya kan touchscreen dan tidak ada tombol fisik lagi, sehingga lebih akurat. Aku mainkan versi Android yang pakai button jadul di layar malah tetromino-nya kemana-mana karena aku salah pencet tombol dan engga terasa. Kesimpulannya adalah, emang Ian ga salah menyebut Tetris termasuk game yang time-consuming. Duh mas, setidaknya bikin warning terhadap kesehatan sekalian dong (siapa yang salah hah)... *masih kompres mata*

Kalau penasaran sama BrutalMoose Channel

Tetris yang Bikin Demam

--

-Akan dilanjutkan nanti karena sekarang kopi susunya sudah habis-

It's Probably Nothing

Philosophy is a lot like buying a hamburger, lay out the buns, the patty, the lettuce, and the tomato on the table and explaining each of them separately, when all you need was just eating it. Nevertheless, that doesn't stop some people from dissecting the heck out of the hamburger. Our thirst for knowledge, that is to say, is just nothing more than wanting to know what is being handed to us. Probably the burger has onions, which you could like or not like, but the burger as a whole tastes pretty good to you. Enlightenment. Probably you prefer barbeque sauce over tomato sauce, so you try ordering something else. Subjectivity. Probably the patty is too small, and you feel the need to complain to the manager about it, if the manager is there at all. Of course, in a burger stand, if you're unsatisfied with the burger you have someone to complain to, and service would be provided.

So say the hamburger is life, and you're the customer. Pretty neat analogy, huh? It sounds pretty stupid because if you order hamburger you should have known what's in it: buns, patty, lettuce, sauce, tomato, etc, and depending on the hamburger. But questions can be asked: what kind of buns are those? what's the patty made of? is the lettuce fresh? what kind of sauce did they put in? what makes them think this combination would make a good hamburger? and so on.

I firmly believe that our wonder alone is enough to make each and every one of us a philosopher. Just like knowing about the wave-particle dualism and electron energy makes us quantum physicist. Wondering whether there's life outside the earth? Philosophy. Wondering why we exist? Philosophy. Wondering about the good and bad? Philosophy. Wondering where all the social norms come from? Philosophy. Wondering what the stars are made of? Philoso- wait, no, I think that actually makes you an aspiring astronomer.

Philosophy is always a fascinating subject to me. People asking questions and seeing where they would end. It's a fun exercise of the mind, redundant as it may seem. I find myself asking a lot of seemingly-trivial questions about life, existential, that stuff, only to discover that a lot of men (and women) from hundred of years ago have been wondering about those themselves, and written what they think about it. So my questions aren't really original. Do you think there's anything original thought by people? Or is it always repeating? If it is, where do you think the originality starts? Hmm I wonder.

A Trip to The Past

If you've been on the internet for quite some time, and you're an avid follower of the music side of YouTube, well, you've probably seen comments like...

"Today's music sucks!"

"Music was so much better back then!"

"God, please bring Kurt Cobain back and take Justin Bieber instead."

"Justin Bieber: God puts me on Earth to make music and for people to enjoy it.
(The artists' video): No I didn't."

forgot the rest, but you get my point.

Does music today really as sucky as they said? Or do people just have sentiments for what they found enjoyable in the past because they were better people in the past? I don't know, but sometimes I do wonder why today's music doesn't really... click to my soul? I mean, I do admit that I have huge sentiments for music I listen in the past. Listening back to those, I could recall the moments I spent with that song, no matter how absurd that would be.

For example, during my time along elementary to junior high, I obsessed completely over The Corrs, and I listen to their songs whenever I get the chance. Back then, listening to music wasn't that big of a deal, you know. We didn't have Spotify and not really relying on internet a lot. If I wanted to listen to music, I had to buy the disc / tape and put them in the stereo, so when there was no stereo, I didn't listen to music. Another way would be to... *ahem* download the songs, y know what I mean. That means I need the effort to search for the songs, wait for them to download which would take quite a while if you want the whole album, and then transfer it from my computer to my phone so I can listen to it during recess.

My first exposure to The Corrs would probably be the cassette tape. My mom had one, and I listened to it quite a lot. Their songs are very light and warm, like hot citrus tea... and I was completely obsessed. I didn't have my own laptop and internet access back then, and the only time I could access internet was when mom took me to her office. There, I searched for The Corrs lyrics and I.... printed..... them. *cringe* Look, I was young and obsessed, okay? I probably didn't know what YouTube was, and I spent most of my free time memorizing those lyrics. It probably was why my English was above average.


Back then, there was no Steam, no firesure way to know what game was booming, what was good, and all I could manage to buy were some weird pirated game CDs available in department store. So I had to make-do with what's there. The pirated game CDs always contain more than 5 games in it, totally like compilation, and that's when you know it's pirated. I played this game called Exile 2, an RPG game in which I had totally no idea what to do so I just winged it. I didn't even have a concept of what RPG game was. And during that, I listened to some Corrs, of course. The Corrs songs that I took time to search and download... also, remember WINAMP? Yeah, that was it.

It's an absurd concept, because I was listening to warm-hearting lyrics about wanting to runaway with your stupid lover.... while I recruited a monster in my team and escaping the lava.

All silliness aside, I still remember the moment vividly. Very vivid. Which was weird, because it's such a trivial thing to remember. I didn't even consider it out of normal back then.

My theory is that the memories are there because I took effort to make them, to make the memory. Today everything is accessible soooo easily that when you get something instantly, you can also easily dismiss them instantly. If I wanted to listen to music, I needed to search, download, wait, transfer, and then and only then I could get them. Now, when I want to listen to music, I just needed to go to Youtube and search for them.

They're nice things, but it doesn't really write the whole 'music experience' for me. Remember back then phone companies like Sony Ericsson (yes, with Ericsson) and Nokia made several phone models which specifications were focused around music? Take the Sony Ericsson Walkman series, or Nokia XpressMusic. I had a few of those, and I was really into Sony Ericsson's Walkman series. Or remember the Walkman, where you put music CDs in and listen to them through headphones? That thing is totally retro, man. Because having Walkman requires you to collect the CDs, it just showed
how much of an avid music listener you are. God, I miss the 00s.

had this beauty when I was in junior high

my friend had one of this and it was the bomb

I wouldn't say things like I was born in the wrong generation, because frankly things are great right now, and I'm grateful that I get to experience the transition from old-modem-sound on pentium computer to seamless streaming through wireless connection. But, it would be great to actually experience something as a whole again like I did back then, because right now every little thing seems to be meaningless.

See, I could talk hours and write paragraphs about silly things from my past like music, but if you ask me to narrate about my last 3 years in college, I couldn't remember the last time I was that... happy, or enthusiastic at all. *hello darkness my old friend plays*

They said the past always has a way to catch up to you, and this time, it does. It does, my friend, and I'm glad I had them.

End-

Just a small rant, as usual. Let's talk about fear. I have an absolutely abstract, yet specific type of fear.

Time. It's time.

By now I have realized how much of a walking contradiction I am. My fear could be induced by my obsession, or the other way around. But they're both still here; in my mind. I'm both obsessed and afraid of time. Running out of time.

Everytime I wake up around the middle of the night, the first thing I do is making sure the clock still ticks. I obsess over clock ticks in that silent time of the day. I would notice how at some point the ticking sound grows louder, and it goes back to normal. At some point I would hear two sets of clock ticking; from another room, from the next room, or from the dining room outside.

I fear for that moment when the clock stops ticking; time stops while I stand still, doing things like nothing happened.
I fear for that moment when time stops, I'm the only one moving, and I have no idea why or how. It's weird, because in the back of my mind I know it would not really happen, but I'm still scared.

I would have a small heart attack if the clock stops or runs out of battery, because it's the closest I could get to that nightmare I always fear coming true.

Midnight trips to toilet are always unpleasant, because for those brief silent moment, where everyone is sleeping, you can't actually tell that time is still moving. You can't really tell whether people are actually sleeping or just... stop living. That's why, probably strangely enough, I find comfort when I encounter small bugs like ants or mosquitoes moving. They give me sense of security that time still ticks; that life goes on for them, and also for me.

It's probably also why I find comfort in being the lone figure in the crowd. I would prefer silence on my own, but I also want to make sure that time still ticks, and life still goes on for everyone else. Spending silence on my own just feels so... maddening. I feel like I'm going crazy.

But I also long for the moment when time stops for me; for my life. I'm counting my end days. I probably wish this all stops very soon.

Tick Tock

It's Monday again. *groaning sound in the distance*

You know how people today communicate via mobile phone; we barely text or call anymore. Instead, we choose the option of instant messaging, or chat, so to speak. It's a lot cheaper, has a nice interface we can customize, and also saves you from the burden of memorizing phone numbers. The only texts I get nowadays are advertisements, promotions, and spam. So naturally, if I want to contact people, it should be through one of these messaging apps.

And the first chat that I received today, in the morning, consists of something like, "Aren't you tired?"

That was intended to response to my chat telling her that I couldn't sleep well last night. As usual. I can barely get good night sleep nowadays. I would be on the bed since 11 PM, but I toss and turn and drift off only to be awakened by this sudden jerk of muscles, which would last until 5 AM or so...

But the chat that I received, the question, feels like something a lot wholesome.

Aren't you tired?

Why are you asking the obvious. Of course I'm tired of not being able to sleep like a normal human being. Of course I'm tired of wasting 6 hours of my life trying to refresh myself, just to wake up even more tired than before. Of course I'm tired not being able to get up early, make myself a stack of pancake for breakfast, do daily workouts or be productive in the morning for once. Of course I'm tired of this totally chaotic rhythm of life I'm living, in which I could only dream of being productive, or dream of having a dream. Of course I'm tired looking at the mirror and find someone who looks like they've been doing meth and sleeping for nineteen hours on a Thursday afternoon.

The thing is, I don't even like sleep... If I could, I would prefer not to sleep for the rest of my life, because I'm aware of how much time I've been wasting in my life. But probably wasting time is already in my nature, because once I try hitting the hay early (yes, 11 PM is early), I would spend the rest of the night trying to sleep and end up wasting 6 hours, and then sleep away for 5 hours or so. So... 11 hours in total. What a waste, right.

And people wonder why I keep pulling an all-nighter. At least when I sleep at 5 AM, I wouldn't worry about wasting additional 6 hours.

I'm getting myself a coffee.