Lately my life hasn't been as sharp as ever. My days are getting... normal. Dull. A repetitive cycle of actions I could not escape. Well, to be fair, I could escape it, but I'm just too lazy to do so.
I'm in my 12th grade by now, and things -- by things I mean school stuffs, because basically my only life is being online and being a student -- are starting to get tough. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Things are supposed to get tough, right? I mean, the whole UN (Ujian Nasional a.k.a National Examination-- if it's the right English to interpret it) thingy, the pressure of getting better grades to prepare for college, and the subjects that start to get harder, more advanced. It should be at least a priority concern for a normal, determined 12th graders who are actually taking school seriously... At least to my point of view, it works that way.
However, things are different to me.
I still cannot see the priority very clearly, and to be honest, even all I ever do during the 12th grade is slacking off. I barely study. When I get home from school (usually at 3), I've already planned to take a one-hour nap, and then pray, and then take a bath, and do my homework until 6. Sounds good, but then when I actually home, I'd change my clothes, lay down on my bed and either tweeting, playing sudoku, or play PSP for at least an hour. At. Least. When I have (had, it's broken now..) my PSP, I'd even play until 5 or more, and continue at night until I fell asleep.
Every time it happened, I'd always promise myself that I'd execute the plan tomorrow, and when tomorrow comes, it happens again. And I'd promise myself again that I'd do better tomorrow.
And it never actually happens. Ever.
I did better on my 11th grade. I still could study at least an hour everyday, but now, I can't even read a single biology textbook page in my room without yawning. During my 11th grade, I could study all night for a test held tomorrow, but now I'd only survive reading 2 hours and then I'd reward myself with an intentionally-planned-to-be an hour nap that will eventually put me in a deep sleep until 6 in the morning.
Is it safe for me to say that I'm devolving? I feel like my future isn't as bright as I used to see it. I know I need to get better, but how? Yeah, go on and say that I need to do it "today", say that I need to "work on my determination" harder, but you know what makes it worse?
I have no ambition. No sole purpose. I'm not that kind of "dreamer" who envisions everything so well and does every single action determined by that dream they have. Sure, I'd like to be that guy, but how? I can't even tell what my ambition is. I still don't even know which college to attend, which major to take, which job to sign up as.
All I ever want to do is stay this way. But that is logically impossible because life goes on, and so do people, and we all eventually need to change following the flow. I guess that's also my problem. Everything around me changes and I'm not prepared to change.
So that's why I've been planning (all I seem to ever do was planning!) to create a "Self-Improvement Lists". It's a book in which I will put all my "to-do"s about my academical plan, my musical skill, my self-findings, my ways to find a passion, my lifestyle changes, and basically everything I might need to improve myself.
Maybe when I have created it I will share it right here. I hope if it works for me, it can be an inspiration for you all. I've always wished I can inspire people.
Now my first to-do is create that damned book. Boy, I gotta find that notebook I intended to put the lists into.
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