Pseudo-yes

Pseudo-yes is... a term I coined to describe what I feel I've been experiencing throughout my life so far. I would define it as something like this:

I'm that guy in the class who would say "no" when you asked me if I had studied for the semester test, even when you had seen me opening the textbook during yesterday's recess hour. Chances are you're probably thinking I'm a fat liar who just wanted to bring everyone's expectation down and keep their diligence at bay. No. That's not the case.

There's a point where I open the textbook, look at the words and graphs, but understanding them is another different case. My body could be the one doing the 'studying', but my mind is wandering somewhere else. I was probably thinking about that one website I frequently visited which just had totally new interface, and mentally commented about it, more than I actually read the damn book, and suddenly the bell rang so I had to close the book to prepare for the next class. 

I open the book, but I don't read it, per se, in which case you couldn't say that I extracted a single good, useful information from that book. This is the case where I answer "pseudo-yes, I had studied biology for semester test". Am I prepared? Hell no.

It's also the same case where I had to prepare a book chapter to be presented in class (which is tonight, I suppose lol). I had prepared to do it since last week, mind you, but I couldn't even bring myself to read the damn book. I'm opening the book right now, and try to extract things by putting some of the main points that I have learned to the presentation file. This is a presentation file, but it's just... let's say, a draft. Would I use this as the outline for the real presentation? Probably not.

When people see me doing it, they'll probably think "oh, she's already started with the presentation." but have I actually started doing the presentation I would present? Again, probably not. When my group ask me whether I have started doing it or not, I could say that I have started doing something related to the presentation, but I couldn't say that I have started doing the presentation. Am I making any sense here? Please bear with me. So when they asked me, I could only say "no" when all I wanna do was answer with a "pseudo-yes", because that would socially make little-to-none sense.

Also the case when I started 'dating'.. two times, during elementary and high-school. When I was in elementary school, I didn't even know what dating someone means, what the consequences are, or what you're supposed to do in that situation. I just heard stuffs from my friends, like A is dating B, C is dating D, and so on, so I thought it was like something you could casually do, just kids stuff (oh totally)

There was a time when a boy, my classmate 'confessed' his feelings to me via text message. It was a time when downloading an episode of One Piece took overnight, kids were bragging about their new Nokia phones, and Yahoo! was still thriving. It was a time when I still had no romantic sense whatsoever that I didn't think his confession, not to mention via text message, was plain dumb. Long story short, we were girlfriend and boyfriend, but we only talk through texts, because he would be moving to another island in the term of two days (or a week? I forgot). There was practically nothing in that relationship, we even lost contact really soon and moved on with our lives without any sense that there was something in between. But our friends still thought, and they had it in their minds, that we were once dating. True, we were technically a couple, but I don't think we acted like one. So did we date? That's another question I would reply with a "pseudo-yes".

What about high-school? Well, it was slightly a different case, because I totally grew up and finally grasped a bit of this concept called 'dating'. This time he 'confessed' in real person in front of our friends during a house party or something, and I thought 'okay, I kinda like this guy' so bam we were a couple. Technically. Because after that night all that changed between us was only the frequency of texts and subtweets, and a lingering feeling of happiness that only lasted a week or so. I don't think we ever actually hung out together, just two of us, like a real couple. Needless to say, it didn't last very long. 

So, were we actually dating? Hmm... I don't think so? But we became couple? Even one of my high-school friend used the term "your ex" to refer to him when he forgot his name. This high-school friend didn't know him or me well, but he did know that we were once a 'couple'. So our identity could never be separate from each other. Whoa, that is deep and scary. This is another 'pseudo-yes' for the two thousand dollar question of whether we were dating or not.

I hope none of you guys thought this post was made to subtly 'curhat' about my previous relationships. It's actually just a terminology that crossed my mind when I was trying to do my presentation for pseudo-tomorrow. It's like when it's both tomorrow and not tomorrow.... nevermind.

You guys probably have experienced something so 'pseudo-yes' and didn't know how to describe it... now you have the word for it!

You're welcome. (just kidding I would probably cringe when I read this in the future)

Hello Friends

Although I doubt anyone would expect seeing me posting again after a long while...

There has been lots of things I want to write. I've gone through lots of things without letting you guys notice. As usual, my plan to write regularly had come to a failure. I'm too lazy and clueless to write, as ever, but now I'm just in my mood so I decide to write about the highlights of my current life...

Like writing a letter to a long lost relative.

Why I'm doing this, I'm not sure. Why I feel the need to reveal myself for the world to see, I have no clue; I just do.

Things have been... great. No, really. It's awesome. I'm now officially a college student, mahasiswa, if you will. I like the sound of it. Maha Siswa. Mahasiswa ITB. FMIPA 2013.

Now, it's not my intention to brag. I wouldn't say I'm proud of myself for entering, but this is definitely a good start for my future.

Before I was accepted officially as a part of ITB, as universities commonly hold, there was some kind of orientation program. You know, that period of time when you need--no, have to do the tasks the senior committee has assigned, wear and bring bizarre stuff, follow orders without questions, getting yelled at for no absolute reason... 

That was kind of exaggerating wasn't it? Rumor has it that way, but my orientation program was scarcely something like that-- a bit, though. ITB's orientation program is called OSKM (look it up if you would). It focused more on campus introduction and orientation (duh) for our college days. We were required to make some kind of gigantic name tag, though, and we had to bring some heavy-arse stuff, but they are not so burdening as to make us stay up late and get sick. No, there's plenty of time for it later..

I wanted to make a blog post special for the OSKM week but apparently that just didn't happen. What I'm pointing out now is the lesson I had learned during the orientation week.

If you're a devoted reader of my blog [laughs dryly], or you just simply know me, you'd notice that I'm not that kind of person who has a concrete vision / ambition / dream-- not even talent. When I got accepted in this uni, it wasn't because I have a huge ambition to enter. No. I merely just got lucky... (see, when writing this I actually feel bad for the people who REALLY wanted to enter). I want this uni as well, because it has its reputations, and my parents thought it would be a jumpstart for a good career. So I comply.

However, things aren't that simple anymore. I cannot become a "just" student to attend classes, do homework, and study at home. Not anymore. During the programs we were constantly asked about how we feel after we got accepted, about our visions, why we registered to the uni, those kind of stuffs. What I have in mind was only to study good and graduate and get a sufficient job.

It was wrong to think that way, according to them.

Kalian masuk ITB itu harus punya tujuan!

They taught us that money and steady job isn't the main goal here. Changing our country for a better place, that's what we all should aim here. Anyone can get good grades and good job. People with pure dreams, that's rare. I frankly was appalled by how right they are and how blind I had been all this time.
I shouldn't be thinking about how good job will make me sufficient. I shouldn't be thinking about how to merely earn fortune. I should be thinking of how my knowledge can benefit people and my country. Look, I realize how very cheesy this sounds, but the program just opened my eyes. My words will not express accurately what I felt. It almost felt like epiphany. I was determined to change since then, to get my arse off my comfort zone.

I had been a comfortable introvert. I avoided people. I always tried to talk as less as possible, but now, I feel like knowing people more. I try to make friends no matter how awkward I may look. Friends they might not be, but at least I know them. I heard being friendless in college will kill you. Figuratively, though. Because I'm not good at remembering people (or that I'm not empathetic enough to care about them), I'm starting this new technique in which after I met someone, I'd write their names on a small notebook, and things I've learned about them. Because there are so many people from so many faculty and so many different classes and different culture and hometowns.

Since I got here, I take public transportation everywhere. In my hometown I would ask to be driven everywhere; to school, to department store, to my friends house, and if I'm not, I wouldn't go anywhere. I even think I walk more in my first month living in Bandung than I did during my seven years in Balikpapan. This was also a start. I complained at first, but now I'm liking it.

I still can't decide my concrete vision / ambition yet, but hopefully I will learn on my way through. I felt different. It feels good. My first steps out of my comfort zone and I feel thrilled. I'm starting my life adventure now. Wish me luck so I can be a better person than I already am.

-T

Beware of The Media

For this one, the title actually makes sense and relates directly to what I'm about to write.
The media isn't always right. I kinda have trust issue with the media and it is quite personal.  

Dulu di masa-masa SD-ku, mungkin sekitar kelas 4 atau 5, aku pernah masuk koran.

Yep. Koran.
Koran lokal, sih... Tapi teteup aja masuk koran, hehe. *nyengir* Hanya saja, bukan karena sesuatu yang membanggakan karakteristik individualku, cuma sekedar tampil wajahnya.
Sure this kinda raise the question, apa yang salah dengan itu?
Let me tell you what went really wrong.
Hari di mana orang-orang koran itu "turun lapangan" untuk meliput berita tersebut, itu adalah hari... um... hari apa ya itu? Pada hari itu aku sedang mengikuti semacam, hmm, entah lomba, entah workshop, pokoknya berbau "Inggris". Maksudnya, ya para peserta menggunakan bahasa Inggris. Aku ke sana bersama guru bahasa Inggrisku dan beberapa orang teman yang aku lupa siapa saja --" (banyak lupa kok ditulis!)

Memang momen itu nggak bisa kuingat banyak, tapi yang jelas berkesan adalah adanya sesi tanya jawab dengan walikota daerah tempat tinggalku, yang harus menggunakan bahasa Inggris. Karena sang walikota sibuk, setelah memberikan sambutan (you know, formality thingy...) juru bicaranya mengatakan kepada kami semua (para peserta dan pembimbingnya) bahwa beliau hanya akan menjawab tiga pertanyaan, beliau bilang kepada kami melalui mikrofonnya, "Tiga pertanyaan saja. SD satu, SMP satu, SMA satu". Kemudian kami yang ingin bertanya dipersilahkan mengangkat tangan.
Lalu terangkatlah tangan-tangan semi-agresif itu. Tadinya aku gak minat angkat tangan, wong udah rame gitu kan, rempong, gak tahu pula mau nanya apa, tapi guru bahasa Inggrisku memaksaku mengangkat tangan dan aku pun manut aja bagai kerbau dicocok hidung. Disaat aku mulai mengangkat tangan, ada anak SMA yang sudah diberi giliran untuk bertanya - jangan tanya dia tanya apa, aku gak ingat - sementara peserta-peserta lain yang masih menggebu-gebu menjemput kesempatan untuk bercakap langsung dengan sang walikota masih mengangkat tangan mereka (kecuali aku, aku tidak excited sama sekali he).

Polosnya, waktu itu aku salah mengartikan perkataan beliau yang "SD satu, SMP satu, SMA satu" itu. Aku mikirnya pertanyaan yang bakal diterima cuma dari SISWA SD 1, SISWA SMP 1, dan SISWA SMA 1. Ngerti gak? Kebetulan waktu itu aku bersekolah di SD 001, jadi aku otomatis mikir bahwa aku atau teman satu sekolahku yang bakalan ditunjuk, karena tadi beliau ngomongnya SD SATU. *plaaaak*

Pada akhirnya bukan aku atau teman satu sekolahku yang ditunjuk, melainkan anak dari SD lain... Dan pada saat itulah aku menyadari kalau GAK MUNGKIN DONG SI WALIKOTA ITU TAHU MANA AJA YANG ANAK SD 001. Lagian, diskriminasi amat kalau beneran terjadi. Kasihan yang dari SD lain dong.. :/ *menampar diri sendiri*

Lalu, sebelum sang walikota beranjak pergi dari ada orang-orang dari koran lokal yang mau memotret beliau. Nah, ternyata banyak (atau beberapa lah) yang ikut berfoto di sekeliling pak walikota, termasuk guru bahasa Inggrisku itu (ih norak ya ternyata kalau dipikir-pikir lagi... wkwk ampun bu).
Karena si guru itu membuat gestur tangan yang menyuruhku mendekat untuk ikutan foto, aku comply aja. Jadilah aku berjalan menuju belakang punggung si walikota, di sebelah guruku yang sudah standby dengan senyumnya menghadap kamera. Tapi yang bisa kulihat di hadapanku hanya hitamnya bagian punggung jas yang dikenakan sang walikota, dan aku sampai pada kesimpulan penting: untuk bisa tampak di foto, aku harus JINJIT. Nah, pas waktu itu, ada orang-orang lagi mau foto, jadi nyempil di pinggir-pinggir kerumunan, dan menyebabkan posisiku tambah mepet dengan guruku.

3...2...1... Cekrik!

Kemudian pak walikota buru-buru pergi dari venue tersebut.

I thought the picture will turn out just fine. I was smiling at the right time, standing on my toes at the exact moment, and nothing could go wrong.... right?

Wrong.

Waktu artikelnya keluar di koran, WEEEEEEEIIIIII ADA GAMBARKUUUU~ walaupun cuma nyempil dari belakang punggung si orang penting... yang penting kan udah pernah masuk ko- tunggu.
Ada yang gak beres.
Caption-nya.
Shite.
Ingat saat kukatakan di saat-saat terakhir mau foto posisiku mepet dengan guruku? Nah, di foto ini pun kebetulan kaki dan tanganku gak kelihatan, karena memang sudah pada dasarnya "nyempil", ditambah pula dengan kerumunan yang ikutan foto di samping-samping pak walikota yang menghalangi pandangan kameraman ke property badan lengkapku (eh apaan nih).
Jadilah captionnya: "...Tampak seorang anak yang tidak memiliki kaki dan tangan sedang digendong oleh ibunya ikut berfoto."

Like, SERIOUSLY? I freaking know that caption was about ME. Posisiku dan guruku dalam foto itu emang mengesankan kalau aku GAK PUNYA UPPER LIMB dan DIGENDONG. Yang kelihatan kepala thok! Apalagi orang-orang lain dalam foto itu tampak normal-normal aja, badannya gak pada ketutupan whatsoever.

But come on, TANPA KAKI DAN TANGAN? Kalau emang benar ada anak tanpa kaki dan tangan yang muncul dalam acara tersebut, tentunya dia bakal jadi bahan bagus untuk artikel tambahan, bukan? Tapi pada kenyataannya dalam artikel yang ada foto"ku" itu, sama sekali nggak ada membahas tentang keanehan atau spesialnya acara tersebut sehingga seorang anak dengan fisik setidaksempurna itu bela-belain datang ke sana...
Dan DIGENDONG IBUNYA? She's my teacher! Not my mother! Gila emang tuh koran, asumsinya ngawur banget. Ngawur sengawur-ngawurnya ngawur.

Memang itu hasil dari koran lokal yang nggak kredibel, tapi sempat bikin shock. Pengen marah dan menertawakan mereka yang mencetuskan caption tersebut di saat bersamaan.

Tapi pada intinya, yang tetap di benakku bukan perasaan marah atau perasaan pengen ketawa lagi. Sejak saat itulah aku mulai mempertanyakan media.


Dan cita-citaku untuk menjadi seorang jurnalis jadi terpatri waktu itu. Tentu saja untuk meliput hanya kebenaran semata sehingga orang tidak lagi terjebak dalam series of letter dan caption yang menjebak.


This way I've learned: Don't trust the media that easily.