I Bought Her A Cake

Happy birthday to me! Usually I don't celebrate personal anniversary like this, but yesterday was an absolute exception. After brewing my morning coffee, I was preparing to write a blog update, when I look at the message in my close friends' group chat. They were planning to meet up in the evening after they're finished with work, so I joined since I had nothing planned anyway. Little did I know it was a surprise party, damn. We had good dinner in a barbeque joint, although they forced me to pay the bill, as was the custom in this cursed country -_- Afterwards though, we went to a karaoke place which I joined upon their promise not to make me pay everything again. I sang a few Fall Out Boy songs before they handed me a present and a cake, and sang me a karaoke version of Happy Birthday! Holy. Crap. Then we sang some more until very late at night. When I got home, I opened the box to see that they gifted me a copy of Haruki Murakami's latest book, signed by the author himself. 

Best birthday ever.

-

But of course, it didn't happen. 

None of it was real. I don't have a close friends group chat anymore. I woke up at 10 and felt useless, as is the custom in this cursed personal room. I had a headache and sore throat. I ordered a takeout for both lunch and dinner. I never left the house that day. I didn't meet anyone. No barbeque restaurant. No karaoke bar. No friends.

When I was still in school (not college), birthdays were pretty exciting. It's just like any other day where I go to classes and get homework, but afterwards I get to hang out with my friends at a pizza place, and occasionally get gifts (although it's not heavily expected). Pizza birthday party was kind of a regular thing in my school years.

When I reached a certain age, though, birthdays become sort of an introspection day. With a pinch of denials. I get a few birthday wishes, reminding me of how I'm turning older. My inspector brain scolded me because I haven't done anything remotely impressive in the past couple of years, nagging me for being lazy (which, come to think of it, also partially its fault) and underachieving. I curl up in bed at night reminiscing my regrets and mistakes, and how the golden years seem to have passed me by and I'm only left with this rotten corpse with hollow interior.

But of course, it didn't happen.

Or did it?

So Long and Goodbye

Just recently, I came across a blog post written by one of my favorite internet persona, CGP Grey, titled “I Have Died Many Times”. Now, if you’re a bit like me and your YouTube home page is representative of your interest, then you might have known or watched one of his videos. He makes educational – maybe stretching a little, more like informative – stick-figure-based videos, the most popular one titled “The Difference Between UK, GB,and England Explained”, which was coincidentally also his first video that I watched. I really like his explanation of things in simple manner, while trying to be as precise as possible, and his insight of our today world, and I just have to say that many his views resonate with mine. 

But I digress.

He also writes blog, and as I mentioned previously, one which titled “I Have Died Many Times”. Of course my first thought was “reincarnation?” but no, it’s not in-the-ground dead. The death of no longer existing. Our past selves? They died, along with faded memory and gradually replaced mind. He wrote how our past selves are like Peloponnesian War, necessary to shape who we are today, yet irrelevant.

This is why we so often look back at the thoughts and actions of our younger selves with incomprehension. Who was that person? Just who did all those stupid things? Just who had those foreign thoughts? Someone else did.

On several occasion I’m recalled of something ridiculous or awkward I had done or said (or wrote) a few years back, and it’s a relief to have this idea of it wasn’t me. We all know that period in our teenage years we don’t want to acknowledge. It’s not necessarily denial, or running away, but it’s much more liberating to address those imprudent moments in third person’s point of view instead of carrying the burden of your former self.

I don’t know why the idea of “my past selves are dead” is much more appealing to my mind than “let the bygones be bygones”. I reflect a lot on my past, frequently in regret, and I have to say… it’s not pretty. I long for a chance to go back and undo my bad decisions, cherish more of the wonderful moments, pursue for further and better opportunities; anything to get me off this… present void. Perhaps due to my diligently-fostered procrastination habit, I lost an important concept of time; a miscalculated prediction that I can always delay stuff because one opportunity may come again another day. Spoiler, past me: it’s not always the case.

The concept of death, on the other hand, I can imagine better. It’s more final, and easier to let go. You’re free from the sins of your stupid childhood smoking self. You’re dismissed from people’s expectation of your overachiever high school self. You’re no longer responsible for the cookie-stealing and wrist-cutting edgy teenage you. Because they’re not you. Not anymore, they’re dead.

With this newfound perspective, I find myself sometimes reflect with a smile, I’m so glad she died. Some death was swift and peaceful, some was hard and long; some didn’t go without a fight and left marks, but they all died. Some will be missed, though.

Of course this is not to say that you will never be held accountable for whatever wrong you’ve done to people in the past. Personally, I think this is one great perspective to make peace with my history and minimalize regrets.

And the person writing this post? She too, will be dead in several spans of time, or maybe tomorrow, whether it’s literal or existential is up for discussion, but dead nonetheless. Right now she hasn’t thought much of her future, even doubting the possibility of her existence, but conceptualizing her death gives her a new pair of shoes to tread with. Change is death; and an essential one, that is.

It's too easy to view others as monolithic, unchanging.

But that's not our nature: we are all the phoenix.

I have died many times, and so have you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get that quote tattooed on my arm.

Did I just make a blog post talking about a blog post? Yes. Yes, I did.

Morris

Morris is about to reach his 24th birthday

and like Blink-182 lyrics said "nobody likes you when you're 24"

and Morris is just like "well no shit, I don't like me either."

"I like you," said him but he forgot he just turned 24

"Maybe cut your hair first." She retorted.

"I guess my hair's also 24, then." He remarked, she just looked at him funny.

"And you're too short," and Morris for once was grateful he was not actually a male.

"Am I valid?" He looked at himself in the mirror, going weary.

"I'm..."

"I'm growing my hair then."

(Fuck who's watching) everyone in the coffee shop. Morris wears his baseball cap to hide it, nobody seems to care.

"Your coffee.." the barista put a cup on the counter and smiled, "Morris."

"I just wish you don't remember my name so much." He thinks. Professionalism is a real thing.

Strum once. Strum twice.

"We can be together," he sang out, "if you want to."

"I don't wanna leave," his voice cracked, "if you don't wanna."

Why is it so hard to hear your own voice?

"I got another five years," Morris showed her the card, "I'd give it to you."

"Why?"

"Got no use for it anyway."

"Morris," she held his hands on the table, "it's never personal."

Morris was never really into amusement park, but the crowd gave him a false sense of comfort.

And concert is another thing. Someone taller accidentally knocked his cap off.

"Sorry," the stranger mumbled. He smiled apologetically, picked up his cap and return it.

"It's fine," Morris said.

"I'm Neil." and Morris for the second time was grateful that he was not actually a male.

March Update

What's up fellas, how do you do? I'm still alive! And writing an update! At the start of the month! By golly, is it going to snow tomorrow? I remember the last time I did something really out of habit, it didn't rain for three days straight (and Bandung rains daily, believe me). It seems superstitious to believe in such thing, but I like to joke about it. I have friends whom whenever we plan hangouts with, it would rain. I also have friends who don't bring rain. In Japan this person (assuming it's female) is called ame-onna, I guess? I read it in comics; whenever you invite that person it will almost certainly rain. I love that despite this silly urban legend, Japan still has one of the most accurate weather forecast in the world. (just take my word for it)

Since February was short, it took me a while to realize that it's March already. I didn't have any expectations, or target, or... anything, really. Anway, what do I write then? I figured I was just too excited to write, that I didn't realize that "March Update" supposedly contains update of my March, not just a quarter of the month, so it would be probably better to write at the end of the month? Probably, but while I'm in the mood to type, I wouldn't put this to waste.

Achievement update: I (almost) successfully refrain from social media for a whole February, especially twitter. I said almost, because a friend mentioned me at the end of the month and it appeared in my notification, so on GP I gotta reply, right? I still can't stay away from YouTube, though, only for the background noise. I used to think it's fine until I stumbled upon this article on medium about descending into YouTube addiction. I do realize that it's always the "oh, it's only for background noise" mindset at the beginning, but before long it's lost hours I could never get back. So I guess my end-of-March target would be less YouTube?

Music update: I've been listening to a lot of Car Seat Headrest in the past month. American-based band, began as a solo project by the lead vocalist Will Toledo. A few handpicked tracks that I repeat over and over and somehow I still don't get tired of them. The lyrics speak volumes to me; it's like something that my another soul from another reality would scream. Not subliminal, not political, very personal. It makes me want to hug Will and tell him that everything would be okay, but it seems like his lyrics already did that to me first. Perhaps that's why even their latest album art made perfect sense to me.

Twin Fantasy (Face to Face) artwork - Car Seat Headrest

Food (?) update: Last week I went to this hip coffee shop near the Bandung landmark Gedung Sate, named Sejiwa. A dear friend of mine kept recommending me that but only then I had the will to actually check out something new (heh), so there we went. I did expect good coffee, of course, and good amount of people in the cafe, since it was weekend and it had good reviews. What I didn't expect was their wide variety in western and oriental cuisine. They had sandwiches and toast, but not your usual sariroti-bread sandwich, they used sourdough (!!) according to the menu. They had omurice as well, and apple pie, holy shit.

I wanted to try everything on the menu, but they were... uh... quite pricey for me, even though my friend said they're all recommended. Everything is 35k and up, and I already ate before going there, so I just settled with truffle french fries for light snack to go with my iced caramel macchiato (wanted affogato but they were out of it, dang), and by golly was it the best fries I've ever had in ages. Somehow it tasted familiar (I mean, it's fries), but it's just.. subtly different. The menu suggested the fries used truffle oil, and they did look shiny drenched in oily substance, but it didn't taste greasy at all. I was appalled that french fries could taste this good, and I was so taken aback that I don't even remember how my coffee tasted, lol. I mean the coffee's good, but maybe too much caramel for me, and I kinda expected it to be served in a glass instead of plastic cup. Not a fan of the plastic cup; we would be here until the coffee's finished, anyway.

I also bought their sacheted drip coffee to brew at home (the Bali Kintamani kind), quite pricey too, but pretty good. 5/5 for the fries, 3/5 for caramel macchiato, and 4/5 for the drip coffee.

Truffle French Fries with Cheese

I forgot to introduce you guys to my new cat in 'da koz', since Ibeng left many many months ago. He came.. well, many many months ago. This one has fur pattern that's a bit like him, but this one is bigger and more aggressive; whenever I tried feeding him he would try to snatch the foods before I finish pouring it out for him. I didn't give him a particular name, though. I tried naming him Leo, but there had been no occasion that I had to call him by name, so that one's kinda forgotten.

Leo- or whoever this is

Well, that's enough update for the first half of March, I guess. I hope I can keep the enthusiasm throughout the month and the year afterwards. Hope your Marchs go well, too.

Cheers.

OK Computer and Average Architecture

I still remember when Radiohead’s third studio album took the rock music scene by storm. A diverse take from their previous album, The Bends, which tastes a lot like Britpop-genre flavor—I’m sorry, since we’re talking about a British band, flavour— containing singles that are more radio-friendly, and already proven more popular. Sure, it added variety to the mainstream music, but instead of continuing the formula, the band decided they would grind their musical gear and produce something far bolder. Appropriately titled OK Computer, it experimented on sounds and thematic effects on a whole different level, combining intrepid guitar riffs with an orgy of xylophones, mellotrone, synthesizers, digitally mixed samples, basically pushing the boundaries of instrumental madness, engulf them in rich lyrical masterpieces. Every track on the album flows with such coherence, that each transition takes you to another step in this journey to the center of the universe. Some may describe this as a concept album, but I recall an interview where Thom (vocalist) didn’t think of it as such.

Now, I'm not here to do a full-on review of said album, but I gotta say that... because it was released in 1997, just two years after I was born, the first sentence of the previous paragraph is questionable. I just wanted an excuse to praise one of my (and possibly a lot of people’s) favorite albums of all time. I particularly like the fact that this album was released in the 90s and grazed the topic of technology, which was kind of ahead of its time.

A few months ago, my class watched a documentary movie about the internet. We’ve seen a lot of ‘internet movies’, right? Hackers, security breaches, furious typing and coding sessions. But it was not that exciting. Emphasizing the documentary part, it was made exactly in 1990, when internet was not as widespread as the present. I forgot the title (and my former classmates forgot too, all 40 of them holy shit), but I remember what was in the movie: a group of computer scientists describing how the internet is going to change our lives in the 20 years’ time, and actors’ enactment of people’s daily lives using the internet.

They explained how it would be very practical in the future; if you want to go to a romantic getaway with your partner you can just book tickets via internet. At this explanation the two supposedly couple acts were relaxing in a backyard garden of a castle-like building, sitting on rattan outdoor chairs as the man was sliding his index finger on a touchscreen monitor, on a small table between them, showing a picture of Eiffel tower – which I assume where they wanted to book a travel ticket to. The monitor wasn’t attached to any devices like computer or TV, as if it’s inherently part of the table.

Another scene illustrated a family gathering in a living room with the individual sofas facing a mere blank wall, and as the father adjusted the control panel, the whole wall turned into a television screen. This is just a greenscreen technique any YT content creator can make nowadays, but back in the days it might be a tad impressive to have in your house. After all, we still get adverts for huge flat-screen TVs even though there hasn’t been one as large as your living room’s wall. There was also one scene on robotic innovation, where they tried making a robot as human as possible, giving it a skin face, a name, and programming conversations for it. Nowadays, no engineer nametags necessary to access it in a restricted lab; you can easily find it in a YT creator’s “Let’s Play”. There's a lot on Eviebot years ago already.

My point is, as someone who’s grown up in an analog-to-digital environment transition, it’s fascinating to see how people in the 90s tried to predict how technology, in particular the internet, would develop the future – which is to say, now. What I found most interesting is, even though the scientists’ predictions are mostly true – things are far more practical, connectivity at the touch of your fingertips, artificial intelligence closing in to human’s – it’s the miscellaneous things that set the decades apart. It’s the website interface, the interior design, the cybernetic algorithm, the camera works, and the economic and social implication of technology.

I mentioned about the rattan furniture in the documentary, because I felt it was a little out of place and old-fashioned in the face of a touchscreen era. Sure, we could easily go to a website (or even mobile app) to order a plane ticket fast now, but it would be via a desktop computer or a smartphone, not a darn wooden endtable in the backyard. The wall-into-cinema screen façade? Basically home theater, with outdated leather sofa. Now that I think about it, I don’t see a lot of present day families who gather around a television for a scheduled show, since everyone in the household can get their own devices and watch everything on-demand. This may be one of the social implications the documentary failed to predict (or just didn’t want to). It reminds me of the viral video of a family demonstrating how to use the internet.

It's amazing to see the technical aspects in technology progress, and the little accompanying things evolving around with it. We used to have a large desktop computer in our house, with fat CRT monitors and CPU that still has diskette slot in it, no bluetooth, no internet. I think I remember playing The Sims 2 in it, but it was near before said computer was retired and we switched to a laptop. Right now, no current desktop computer comes without internet and bluetooth hardware (unless it’s for business purpose I guess). CD drive was still a requirement because USB drives used to have 128 MB capacity, not 128 GB.

I remember when communication was done only through phone call or text in a sliding feature phone; I got to call my mother with prepaid balance, counted per every second I talk. Now, I can video call via internet with my whole family on my touchscreen smartphone all at once, using mobile data costing me far cheaper than the voice call used to. Economy!

Even when I got my first Android phone, touchscreen I might add, mobile internet wasn’t as pervasive. I still mainly used text for communication, and multimedia messages were fairly hard to send because the provider didn’t really support it without another subscription first. If you wanted to surf the internet, you browse in a computer, and connect LAN cable because WiFi hotspots were also scarce. Somehow, though, it didn’t stop my (mainly male) classmates from competing in online games. I, on the other hand, competed with strangers in an all-text internet forum debate (I’m glad they shut down my Yahoo! Answers account). Now internet webpages use more interactive elements instead of just a wall of text (like this blog; wow am I old fashioned).

I don’t think any of the scientists in the documentary could ever predict how massive social networks would grow up to be. I mean, it’s one thing to say that we’re going to be easily connected to people from all around the world but it’s another thing to forecast the sheer influence of a single internet persona that it transcends the supposedly virtual platform. To be fair, he has been a contributor in the platform for quite a long time, so it’s kind of justified. YT had been widely known as a video-sharing website ever since I was in junior high, and it’s still dominating. But of course, things change; the community expands, the website format evolves to simpler, modern interface, contents massively grow, and… well, the privacy policy changes. So if you’re a late aspiring YT content creator (like me), you should probably check thoroughly, because your lipsyncing video might get a copyright strike.

The internet… it’s a strange thing. It’s like a fertile soil you can plant your seeds in, if you decide to carefully nurture it. Online business flourishes, online community grows, and online influence escalates. During my freshman year, I had to walk or hitch a ride from my friend if I had to go home past 8 PM because it’s the most economically feasible route. After two years of staying in a boarding house, I had to move because I wanted a location more accessible to my campus, especially one I could walk home to at night. Now, online bike rides are available 24 hours (at least in the central part of this city), safer and (relatively) cheap. If it was a thing when I was a freshman, I would probably never had moved. This business had only been widely known in over the course of three years, and it already advanced so much it’s established its status as a unicorn startup. Business!

In retrospect, I just want to say that it’s been exhilarating to experience this shift, this lifestyle transformation, for better or worse. To see something that once was deemed so alien and restricted, becoming an extensive part of our daily life that we just undergo without second thought. When we’re waiting in a queue, we could always pull out our smartphones and immerse ourselves in a whole different, yet adjacent world. It’s polarizing, but it’s here. The soil just keeps on fertilizing.

“I don’t think we’ve seen the tip of the iceberg. I think the potential of what the internet is going to do to society, both good and bad, is unimaginable. I think we’re on the cusp of something exhilarating and terrifying. It’s an alien life form.” - David Bowie predicting the internet in 1999.

February Update

Uh, well, yeah, happy new year I guess?

I haven't been updating in quite a while, I know. February is almost ending and I still haven't written anything since the start of 2019. For a regular blogging activity, new years are supposed to be a good time to be writing year flashbacks, updates, resolutions, and stuff. At least for me. I'm aware of this, but somehow I just couldn't bring myself to write anything. This is dangerous stuff.

Back then, I used this blog to facilitate my writing skill, as well as an exercise to warm my brain up before doing something more productive. Even when they're just rants or random fiction. It also serves as a way to reminiscence; how I used to phrase things, how I used to think about things; a memory lane, if you will.

I could write paragraphs about my morning coffee, as tacky as it may seem. I could picture fictional, cheesy situations and put it down in a short story. I could rant on and on about homework and deadlines. Small things, but it's just for me, and at least I could write, you know.

I've been stashing a ton of prompts to write, but somehow I just can't finish it. There has been a lot of things going on, since my last post in this blog months ago, that I want to share; small events, new habits, new experiences, new music I listen to, a few fictional narratives as well. If you follow my personal twitter account you probably had seen my poll on which blog post I should work on first -- which was in January -- and that time, I was certain that I would write about those. I already had 5 post titles in the making, had the start and ending figured out, but somehow... in the middle, I gave up. Not 'give up' give up, I just felt it didn't come naturally, so I tried waiting until the inspiration strikes again. Apparently it just decided not to show up.

In a sense, I know darn well that I should be doing something else. This... something (not blogging, btw), it's been holding me idle for so long, keeping me in a stalemate with myself. I keep postponing doing it, and that's... bad, because whenever I'm not doing that 'something', I feel guilty and restless, thinking "oh man, I should totally be doing that", but when I try to do it, it's... difficult? It's like there's no guideline so I don't really know how to start and I end up avoiding to do it.

You could probably say that I'm in a state of constant battle with myself. This isn't a call for help, per se, but if you could advise me on anything that would be great thanks.

Maybe this whole update is just an excuse, but it gives an upfront explanation that I could hold responsibly. Maybe, just maybe, as I finish writing this, I would get my brain in the mood to type what I've stashed away.

Cheers.

'Tis the Rainy Season

It rains every single day lately.

I know, I know, you're probably already tired of me writing about how rain is the perfect weather to write, and then I'm gonna start rambling about hot coffee in a warm room reading book and listening to lo-fi hiphop and acoustic medley of my favorite rock songs. Classy, comfortable, safe.

I wish that was the case.

Because with thunderstorms like this outside, it's definitely BMTH or OM&M time. Blasted loud on your crystal-clear speaker you don't usually bring out the full potential of, because tolerance, but now definitely calls for the moment. Screaming at the top of your lungs to incoherent choruses and 155 BPM guitar riffs. I still have a book on my hand, though, and the coffee's long downed.

Sometimes it rains just when you're finished with class. You take out your umbrella and earphone, and you decide to walk home instead of taking the bus, listening to acoustic medley of your favorite rock songs. Oh, I said that already. The raindrops falling atop the nylon canopy of your umbrella, following the beat of the song. Profound. Your boots tap against the small puddles scattered on the pavement, one hand in coat pocket. It smells like dirt mixed with fresh water. You take in the earthy scent. Pluviophile.

But I lied. Nobody wants to walk home when it rains. Everyone ubers their ass home, that's why the fare skyrockets as soon as the first drop hits the roof. Public transports become packed like crushed sardines in a tin box. Even when you didn't forget to bring your umbrella, the wind was too strong for your trousers and shoes to avoid the droplets. You're torn between shielding for your backpack or shoes, and end up soaking both.

Even when you decide it was raining light enough to be romantic to walk home, you're not in a music video, you're not in a movie. Drainage was shit, uneven potholes give way to large puddles which depth you're unaware of, and before you know it your sneakers are muddy mess beyond recognition. Some asshole in a car thought it would be funny to drive past by, full Initial D-style, and you were too late to protect your side with your umbrella, one of its metal ribs broken, limp in defeat.

You were lucky enough to have a roof to get home to, though, I reminded myself of a silver lining I could salvage from this situation. And at least you didn't get struck by lightning or something, and that one sounds more like a jinx. But thankfully I was already at the doorstep, shaking the water off my sky-blue (although the sky right now is dark grey) umbrella and fumble with the keys.

"I get the romanticism of walking under the rainy sky, I really do," I said as I tossed my soaked everything to a plastic bag, making a mental note to contact the laundry service when it's sunny later. "My main complaint is the drainage system, also maybe I should get a bigger umbrella."

Most of it all, I get the romanticism of staying inside a cozy room sipping a hot beverage, in contrast of the cold and thunderous atmosphere outside. It's the only way to enjoy this situation, or at least avoid the harsh reality of it. I prepared my electric kettle to brew a cup of steaming hot coffee and warm myself up. Clothes changed to dry, my mug and dripper prepped on my desk, my bluetooth speaker connected to my iPod, and I set myself on the bed with a new book. Kettle on.

and whop. Blackout.

Like I said, it's metalcore time, because sometimes you're just not blessed with the chance to enjoy yourself.

I wish your rainy days hold better than mine.