A Trip to The Past

If you've been on the internet for quite some time, and you're an avid follower of the music side of YouTube, well, you've probably seen comments like...

"Today's music sucks!"

"Music was so much better back then!"

"God, please bring Kurt Cobain back and take Justin Bieber instead."

"Justin Bieber: God puts me on Earth to make music and for people to enjoy it.
(The artists' video): No I didn't."

forgot the rest, but you get my point.

Does music today really as sucky as they said? Or do people just have sentiments for what they found enjoyable in the past because they were better people in the past? I don't know, but sometimes I do wonder why today's music doesn't really... click to my soul? I mean, I do admit that I have huge sentiments for music I listen in the past. Listening back to those, I could recall the moments I spent with that song, no matter how absurd that would be.

For example, during my time along elementary to junior high, I obsessed completely over The Corrs, and I listen to their songs whenever I get the chance. Back then, listening to music wasn't that big of a deal, you know. We didn't have Spotify and not really relying on internet a lot. If I wanted to listen to music, I had to buy the disc / tape and put them in the stereo, so when there was no stereo, I didn't listen to music. Another way would be to... *ahem* download the songs, y know what I mean. That means I need the effort to search for the songs, wait for them to download which would take quite a while if you want the whole album, and then transfer it from my computer to my phone so I can listen to it during recess.

My first exposure to The Corrs would probably be the cassette tape. My mom had one, and I listened to it quite a lot. Their songs are very light and warm, like hot citrus tea... and I was completely obsessed. I didn't have my own laptop and internet access back then, and the only time I could access internet was when mom took me to her office. There, I searched for The Corrs lyrics and I.... printed..... them. *cringe* Look, I was young and obsessed, okay? I probably didn't know what YouTube was, and I spent most of my free time memorizing those lyrics. It probably was why my English was above average.


Back then, there was no Steam, no firesure way to know what game was booming, what was good, and all I could manage to buy were some weird pirated game CDs available in department store. So I had to make-do with what's there. The pirated game CDs always contain more than 5 games in it, totally like compilation, and that's when you know it's pirated. I played this game called Exile 2, an RPG game in which I had totally no idea what to do so I just winged it. I didn't even have a concept of what RPG game was. And during that, I listened to some Corrs, of course. The Corrs songs that I took time to search and download... also, remember WINAMP? Yeah, that was it.

It's an absurd concept, because I was listening to warm-hearting lyrics about wanting to runaway with your stupid lover.... while I recruited a monster in my team and escaping the lava.

All silliness aside, I still remember the moment vividly. Very vivid. Which was weird, because it's such a trivial thing to remember. I didn't even consider it out of normal back then.

My theory is that the memories are there because I took effort to make them, to make the memory. Today everything is accessible soooo easily that when you get something instantly, you can also easily dismiss them instantly. If I wanted to listen to music, I needed to search, download, wait, transfer, and then and only then I could get them. Now, when I want to listen to music, I just needed to go to Youtube and search for them.

They're nice things, but it doesn't really write the whole 'music experience' for me. Remember back then phone companies like Sony Ericsson (yes, with Ericsson) and Nokia made several phone models which specifications were focused around music? Take the Sony Ericsson Walkman series, or Nokia XpressMusic. I had a few of those, and I was really into Sony Ericsson's Walkman series. Or remember the Walkman, where you put music CDs in and listen to them through headphones? That thing is totally retro, man. Because having Walkman requires you to collect the CDs, it just showed
how much of an avid music listener you are. God, I miss the 00s.

had this beauty when I was in junior high

my friend had one of this and it was the bomb

I wouldn't say things like I was born in the wrong generation, because frankly things are great right now, and I'm grateful that I get to experience the transition from old-modem-sound on pentium computer to seamless streaming through wireless connection. But, it would be great to actually experience something as a whole again like I did back then, because right now every little thing seems to be meaningless.

See, I could talk hours and write paragraphs about silly things from my past like music, but if you ask me to narrate about my last 3 years in college, I couldn't remember the last time I was that... happy, or enthusiastic at all. *hello darkness my old friend plays*

They said the past always has a way to catch up to you, and this time, it does. It does, my friend, and I'm glad I had them.

End-

Just a small rant, as usual. Let's talk about fear. I have an absolutely abstract, yet specific type of fear.

Time. It's time.

By now I have realized how much of a walking contradiction I am. My fear could be induced by my obsession, or the other way around. But they're both still here; in my mind. I'm both obsessed and afraid of time. Running out of time.

Everytime I wake up around the middle of the night, the first thing I do is making sure the clock still ticks. I obsess over clock ticks in that silent time of the day. I would notice how at some point the ticking sound grows louder, and it goes back to normal. At some point I would hear two sets of clock ticking; from another room, from the next room, or from the dining room outside.

I fear for that moment when the clock stops ticking; time stops while I stand still, doing things like nothing happened.
I fear for that moment when time stops, I'm the only one moving, and I have no idea why or how. It's weird, because in the back of my mind I know it would not really happen, but I'm still scared.

I would have a small heart attack if the clock stops or runs out of battery, because it's the closest I could get to that nightmare I always fear coming true.

Midnight trips to toilet are always unpleasant, because for those brief silent moment, where everyone is sleeping, you can't actually tell that time is still moving. You can't really tell whether people are actually sleeping or just... stop living. That's why, probably strangely enough, I find comfort when I encounter small bugs like ants or mosquitoes moving. They give me sense of security that time still ticks; that life goes on for them, and also for me.

It's probably also why I find comfort in being the lone figure in the crowd. I would prefer silence on my own, but I also want to make sure that time still ticks, and life still goes on for everyone else. Spending silence on my own just feels so... maddening. I feel like I'm going crazy.

But I also long for the moment when time stops for me; for my life. I'm counting my end days. I probably wish this all stops very soon.

Tick Tock

It's Monday again. *groaning sound in the distance*

You know how people today communicate via mobile phone; we barely text or call anymore. Instead, we choose the option of instant messaging, or chat, so to speak. It's a lot cheaper, has a nice interface we can customize, and also saves you from the burden of memorizing phone numbers. The only texts I get nowadays are advertisements, promotions, and spam. So naturally, if I want to contact people, it should be through one of these messaging apps.

And the first chat that I received today, in the morning, consists of something like, "Aren't you tired?"

That was intended to response to my chat telling her that I couldn't sleep well last night. As usual. I can barely get good night sleep nowadays. I would be on the bed since 11 PM, but I toss and turn and drift off only to be awakened by this sudden jerk of muscles, which would last until 5 AM or so...

But the chat that I received, the question, feels like something a lot wholesome.

Aren't you tired?

Why are you asking the obvious. Of course I'm tired of not being able to sleep like a normal human being. Of course I'm tired of wasting 6 hours of my life trying to refresh myself, just to wake up even more tired than before. Of course I'm tired not being able to get up early, make myself a stack of pancake for breakfast, do daily workouts or be productive in the morning for once. Of course I'm tired of this totally chaotic rhythm of life I'm living, in which I could only dream of being productive, or dream of having a dream. Of course I'm tired looking at the mirror and find someone who looks like they've been doing meth and sleeping for nineteen hours on a Thursday afternoon.

The thing is, I don't even like sleep... If I could, I would prefer not to sleep for the rest of my life, because I'm aware of how much time I've been wasting in my life. But probably wasting time is already in my nature, because once I try hitting the hay early (yes, 11 PM is early), I would spend the rest of the night trying to sleep and end up wasting 6 hours, and then sleep away for 5 hours or so. So... 11 hours in total. What a waste, right.

And people wonder why I keep pulling an all-nighter. At least when I sleep at 5 AM, I wouldn't worry about wasting additional 6 hours.

I'm getting myself a coffee.

How Do I Apply To Be A Ninja?

Serious question, guys. I highly think that I have the talent to be invisible, just need to work a bit (sure) on my physical skills.

Pseudo-yes

Pseudo-yes is... a term I coined to describe what I feel I've been experiencing throughout my life so far. I would define it as something like this:

I'm that guy in the class who would say "no" when you asked me if I had studied for the semester test, even when you had seen me opening the textbook during yesterday's recess hour. Chances are you're probably thinking I'm a fat liar who just wanted to bring everyone's expectation down and keep their diligence at bay. No. That's not the case.

There's a point where I open the textbook, look at the words and graphs, but understanding them is another different case. My body could be the one doing the 'studying', but my mind is wandering somewhere else. I was probably thinking about that one website I frequently visited which just had totally new interface, and mentally commented about it, more than I actually read the damn book, and suddenly the bell rang so I had to close the book to prepare for the next class. 

I open the book, but I don't read it, per se, in which case you couldn't say that I extracted a single good, useful information from that book. This is the case where I answer "pseudo-yes, I had studied biology for semester test". Am I prepared? Hell no.

It's also the same case where I had to prepare a book chapter to be presented in class (which is tonight, I suppose lol). I had prepared to do it since last week, mind you, but I couldn't even bring myself to read the damn book. I'm opening the book right now, and try to extract things by putting some of the main points that I have learned to the presentation file. This is a presentation file, but it's just... let's say, a draft. Would I use this as the outline for the real presentation? Probably not.

When people see me doing it, they'll probably think "oh, she's already started with the presentation." but have I actually started doing the presentation I would present? Again, probably not. When my group ask me whether I have started doing it or not, I could say that I have started doing something related to the presentation, but I couldn't say that I have started doing the presentation. Am I making any sense here? Please bear with me. So when they asked me, I could only say "no" when all I wanna do was answer with a "pseudo-yes", because that would socially make little-to-none sense.

Also the case when I started 'dating'.. two times, during elementary and high-school. When I was in elementary school, I didn't even know what dating someone means, what the consequences are, or what you're supposed to do in that situation. I just heard stuffs from my friends, like A is dating B, C is dating D, and so on, so I thought it was like something you could casually do, just kids stuff (oh totally)

There was a time when a boy, my classmate 'confessed' his feelings to me via text message. It was a time when downloading an episode of One Piece took overnight, kids were bragging about their new Nokia phones, and Yahoo! was still thriving. It was a time when I still had no romantic sense whatsoever that I didn't think his confession, not to mention via text message, was plain dumb. Long story short, we were girlfriend and boyfriend, but we only talk through texts, because he would be moving to another island in the term of two days (or a week? I forgot). There was practically nothing in that relationship, we even lost contact really soon and moved on with our lives without any sense that there was something in between. But our friends still thought, and they had it in their minds, that we were once dating. True, we were technically a couple, but I don't think we acted like one. So did we date? That's another question I would reply with a "pseudo-yes".

What about high-school? Well, it was slightly a different case, because I totally grew up and finally grasped a bit of this concept called 'dating'. This time he 'confessed' in real person in front of our friends during a house party or something, and I thought 'okay, I kinda like this guy' so bam we were a couple. Technically. Because after that night all that changed between us was only the frequency of texts and subtweets, and a lingering feeling of happiness that only lasted a week or so. I don't think we ever actually hung out together, just two of us, like a real couple. Needless to say, it didn't last very long. 

So, were we actually dating? Hmm... I don't think so? But we became couple? Even one of my high-school friend used the term "your ex" to refer to him when he forgot his name. This high-school friend didn't know him or me well, but he did know that we were once a 'couple'. So our identity could never be separate from each other. Whoa, that is deep and scary. This is another 'pseudo-yes' for the two thousand dollar question of whether we were dating or not.

I hope none of you guys thought this post was made to subtly 'curhat' about my previous relationships. It's actually just a terminology that crossed my mind when I was trying to do my presentation for pseudo-tomorrow. It's like when it's both tomorrow and not tomorrow.... nevermind.

You guys probably have experienced something so 'pseudo-yes' and didn't know how to describe it... now you have the word for it!

You're welcome. (just kidding I would probably cringe when I read this in the future)

When You Sleep, You Get Weird

Serious question: what does it mean you dream about one place so often?

Last night I had a dream, located in my old dorm, the very first place I stayed in when I started my college year. In that dream, a girl, an old acquaintance from elementary school, fainted. So I carried her on my back and went to that place to ask for help.

In the dream, the place had a spiral staircase from the front yard to enter the building, as opposed to a normal staircase in real life. It also had a huge, secured front gate, while in real life it doesn't have a gate at all. And in the dream, the rooms were small and dimly lit, with small single beds, while in real life the dorm has pretty spacey rooms, with bright lamps. But technically, they're still the same building. I don't know how to put it, but I was certain the location in my dream was my old dorm, even though some features are different.

It's not the first time I dreamt about that place, though. Already a long time ago, I dreamt that I was stargazing from the roof of that building, and also playing with some neighbor friends. The actual dorm has three floors, plus basement. The first floor is where my room was, the second floor also consists of dorm rooms, while the third floor is where you hang your laundry and stuff. In this floor, there's no doors, no rooms, just two sets of washing machines and ropes for drying clothes. By the washing machines, there's a couple of windows where you can see the outside. It's not outside, though, because when you open it, you're greeted with views of the building's roofs. When I did my laundry there, I sometimes wonder if I could climb out and chill there, on the roofs. But I never did that. The roofs were too steep and you can't really position yourself to 'chill' there.

But I guess my subconscious got the best of me, because I dreamt that I did fucking parkour on the roof with some friends, at night, and it was silent. Even when I jumped and landed here and there, my steps aren't audible. The roofs in the dream were totally different from the actual building roof, but I'm certain it's the dorm building.

Do you see what I mean when you dream about something, and it associates to a real thing you know in real life, and you're certain how they're the same thing even though you can't really know for sure how it associates or if it even true?

Sometimes in my dreams I would hang out with a few people. In the dream, I would be totally sure that they're, say, Chloe or Kai even though the situation doesn't support the argument. In the dream, I was catching fish with them. It doesn't make sense. Why would I be catching fish with Chloe or Kai? I only knew Chloe for a brief moment when we were in a group project, and we never talked otherwise. Kai, on the other hand, didn't even like hanging out with me. So why would the dream associate catching fish with those two people? Are those even Chloe and Kai? Was I wrong? But it seems right.

Dreams are weird.

One time, I dreamt that Franz Ferdinand (the band, look it up) were playing in my hometown during an eve. I didn't know whether it was Christmas, New Years, or something else, but the whole town were in festivity mode where everyone went to the street and just had fun. I don't like crowds, and I don't even go out during NYE or anything like that. I'm normally a house person, and I prefer to stay home especially when it's super crowded outside. Imagine how confused I was to dream that I was there in the middle of festive crowd in the town center, and Franz fucking Ferdinand was playing a gig! In the dream I got called onstage with a few more people and we sang and danced together, and when it was finished they invited us backstage. Awesome.

I woke up with a great mood, kind of sad it ended, but mainly beaming with delight. Strangely, that day I didn't feel like listening to Franz Ferdinand anymore. So I reduced my FF daily song intake.

Dreams are weird.

Subjection

When I was younger, I always thought that I would live my life to be a story that is great to tell, to my children, my grandchildren, my friends, or just anyone in general. The funny thing is, I didn't realize that the stories that I would imagine myself telling are supposedly consisting only parts of my life I would be living. Easily put, when you ask an old friend whom you haven't met in two years what they have been doing, you don't expect them to tell you everything they do, every single second of their past two years.

Same goes with life stories, I guess. When someone asks me what I have been doing today, technically I've done a lot of things: I overslept, I cleaned my room, I watched a new jacksepticeye gameplay on YouTube, I cooked sardines and made tea... and also run out of it. But if you've been actually talking to people, you'd know that the only acceptable answer is... "nothing". Nothing actually happened to me today. Nothing of importance of you, of course. I would think. 

Same case with my life story. When someone asks me what I have been doing with my life, technically, again, I have done a lot of things, of course. I developed new habits, I read a few more books, I made new friends and lost a few, I wrote blog posts, I got fat, etc etc. But would I tell them that? Of course not. They wouldn't care about all the aspects that could happen in your life. When someone actually asks you, "what have you been doing with your life?" chances are they expect something spectacular to you, like probably becoming a millionaire, made a major breakthrough in quantum mechanics, sniped thirty enemies by the front line in a war or traveled the world.

Same with me. I probably couldn't care less about whether you slept over thirteen hours last night, or how your fingers got bruised when cleaning the bathroom. Nobody cares about such little things. They're probably asking out of politeness or sheer curiosity of the moment. Even when I heard stuff about your seniors going abroad to study or work, I would probably just be... mildly impressed. 

I mean, it probably didn't occur to me how hard they've been trying for that, or how easily they could get the opportunity. I don't get the whole story. It's just "oh, cool" and then I'm off continuing whatever it is I was doing. Probably, just probably, if someone actually tells me the whole story from when they started the registration, worked their asses off to get the required grades, to put up with the annoying people along the way, I would probably be more impressed... or possibly inspired.

And this thought just hit me: if I couldn't care about people's great accomplishment, what makes me think that my future children would be interested in the story of my life, consisting mainly of mundane things?

From this point of view, I'm trying to convey to myself a few premises: a) I should stop caring about how my life story would turn out, b) I should try harder to live a better life in order to get that life story I always imagine, c) I should probably kill myself so I won't worry about anything anymore. Option (c) seemed implausible, because what the hell yo. Option (a) looks very taunting, especially how easy it is to disregard everything right now, but I feel like it doesn't help to improve myself. Option (b) is harder, but I feel like have I even try?

If I only want stories, I got a lot more in my head. They're all fiction, or fantasy induced by my inability to realize things from ideas. I read Haruki Murakami's books, and his work consists mostly of... surreal stuff. Anyway, nothing of those inspiring kind of stuff. He wrote even the most boring of things done by the protagonist, like cooking spaghetti while listening to The Thieving Magpie, but still manage to assemble a good story nonetheless. Fiction, of course, but my point is: good writers don't have to write about a protagonist bungee jumping off a plane to become a millionaire, that's a reality show stuff.

The more I think about it, I just realized how deep in the option (a) I am. The fact that I'm living a life so mundane proves how I don't care about my life story. I have stopped caring about how my life story would turn out. It doesn't stop me from thinking about it, though. Right now I'm in a state where the option (b) appeals to me, without disregarding (a).

Frankly, this whole passage seems meaningless. I mean, I already knew what I'm doing and what I'm supposed to be doing. My problem right now is how I'm gonna do it.

How am I going to write my life story from now on? How do I, you know, move on with my life? What would be my legacy?

In the end, this rambling goes on to another rambling. One question leads to another. I guess that's just life, huh?