There are times when things that you couldn't comprehend before, suddenly sink in on you.
There are times when things that don't make sense, suddenly becomes absolute logical.
There are times when your brain decides to think, what it doesn't do as well before.
I always think I'm dead inside. Most of the time. It's the state where my brain decides to take a long, long break, in which case my whole activity and movement is body-controlled. Like, maneuvers so simple and basic that my body can even memorize it. Autopilot, so to speak. It's the walk to the bathroom, the walk to the campus, the lecture note-takings, the finger swipes of food ordering, even the casual conversations.
It's all just connecting the dots. The dot of the bedroom to the dot of the bathroom, the dot of the house to the dot of the campus. The dot of A topic to the dot of the answer to A topic. You get the gist.
This thought came into me when I was inspecting my phone gallery. I saw pictures that I took. I looked at a picture of my brother and holy shit, he grew so fast. Looking at the picture, it just occured to me how much time had passed. He's no longer the little baby brother I always pictured myself playing with, or going to school with. Probably due to the fact that I'm now living away from him, so that I don't get to experience his gradual, infinitesmal growth, like we all do with ourselves.
It was like a moment of clarity. Reminiscent. Introspection. Thinking of writing this, so I can even reminisce this moment of reminiscent even more.
Thinking has been an alien thing to me lately. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like thinking of anything. I'm just a hollow shell, autopiloted by memories of the past. Maybe I'm just afraid of living in the present, because I can't accept things that had happened to me, or reality of the current situation, or how I've turned out to be.
I don't know. Thinking is hard.
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